


Tangled Up In You

by Sashataakheru



Series: The Girl Outside 'verse [3]
Category: Electric Light Orchestra, The Move
Genre: Angst, Community: trope_bingo, D/s, Divorce, F/M, Grief, Kidfic, M/M, Magic, Marriage of Convenience, Multi, Restraints, Threesomes, disappearing band members, parenting, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 05:05:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 45,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff was smitten from the first time he saw Roy performing with The Move, but his first crush on a man would not end well at all when Roy vanishes off the face of the earth after they return home from a tour in Europe in 1972. Faced with the possibility Roy's actually dead, Jeff does his best to move on as he finds his life spiralling down pathways he had never anticipated as he tries to accept what's happened and move on while he deals with parenthood, divorce, and complicated relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1977

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the prompt 'kidfic' for trope_bingo. My card is [here.](http://3evilmuses.dreamwidth.org/55634.html) Crosses over into [The Age Of Discord](http://3evilmuses.dreamwidth.org/tag/series:+the+age+of+discord) universe.
> 
> This has pretty much been written on the premise that Jeff is a great father, but a terrible husband. That, and apparently my ovaries explode at the very idea of Jeff and babies. /my kinks are weird shut up. Also, I have done my best to make sure Holly is written as well as I can manage, but if she seems older/younger in places than she's meant to be, I apologise in advance. I rarely write kids, and don't have any on hand, so yes. But I hope she's at least passable, as far as child characters go.

_August 1977_  
Jeff had woken up in his small flat that morning. He had been sleeping on the sofa, had been out drinking again, and he sat up, tired and groggy. His hangover was a mix of hazy memories and tears. There was a photo of Roy on the coffee table. It was then that the grief hit him. He didn't even know why he was crying. He had no proof Roy was actually dead, but he had been missing for five years now, and Jeff had withdrawn from almost everyone, unable to bear continuing without him.

Music had not been therapeutic; instead, it had just caused him more pain, particularly as he had found one of Woody's old guitars tucked away in the back of his closet. How it had got there, Jeff didn't know. It looked like it had been there for years. It took a moment to realise that the tag attached to the handle was from their last trip to Europe, right before he disappeared. _So it must've been-_

Jeff didn't like that thought, that in Roy's hurry to leave the airport, he'd grabbed the wrong guitar, leaving Jeff with one of Roy's. Jeff had hardly noticed, because everything fell apart. Roy'd gone and disappeared, and he'd never get a chance to return it now. He took it out of the case, and gently brushed the strings with his thumb. It was out of tune; it was always out of tune, Jeff remembered with a sad smile. What Jeff hadn't expected to find was the incomplete song tucked inside the case that, once he'd read through it, he knew was about him.

It had taken him a long time to bring himself to play the song. He was afraid of how much it would hurt to hear Roy's thoughts about him. When he finally played it through, Jeff discovered that it was the saddest song he'd ever heard, and he could barely bring himself to sing the lyrics aloud. The few fragments from Abide With Me caught in his throat, and he choked back tears. It was all just too much.

In the midst of it all, he remembered it as the song he'd heard Roy writing on that last Italian tour back in 1972. That had just made things worse. He spent New Year's Eve in tears, trying to accept that Roy was never coming back. He played the incomplete song all night, over and over again, as he whispered his plea for forgiveness to the cold night air. His confession was said alone, the stars in the sky his only witness. He had killed Roy, he was sure of it now, and nothing he could do would ever make up for that.

As the years passed, Jeff had slowly fallen out of love with his wife. As much as he'd tried to love her like everyone expected, in the end, she was a constant reminder that she was not the one he had truly loved. His only consolation was that her job as a nurse meant they spent little time with each other. Jeff was sure that had stopped the arguments getting too bad. Between her long hours and his tiredness from taking care of their new baby daughter Holly had left them both too exhausted to fight.

It didn't really help, though. The distance between them was becoming painful. He had, in desperation, cheated on her more than once. A few had been women. Many more had been men he'd met once he'd discovered where the gay bars were. He never had sex with them; he couldn't bring himself to do that yet, but there were more than a few drunken blowjobs in strange dark places. He told her about them. He didn't care. She didn't care either. Somehow, she did not kick him out. Jeff had no idea why. He felt he'd done everything to deserve it, and in his more introspective moments, he did wonder if he was deliberately trying to sabotage his marriage so she would divorce him and end all his pain.

Roy was still painfully absent, and no one had any idea where he was. When a body had been found a couple of years ago, rotting under a log in the woods where he'd been last seen, there had been a general consensus that it was Roy, but the results had been inconclusive and it was unclear exactly who it was. Roy, as always, remained mysteriously absent.

Jeff had tried to get on with life, but then his wife had suddenly announced she was pregnant a year ago, and Jeff, not wanting to disgrace her, decided it was better to stay, even though he knew it wasn't his. Turned out she had been sleeping around as well. It had not helped, though. Jeff was stuck with a broken heart and a kid that wasn't his. He didn't have the heart to divorce her though. She had wanted to get rid of it, but he had convinced her not to. He still didn't know why. It wasn't his. Why should he care if it lived or died? Maybe he did still love her after all.

He set aside the photo of Roy, burying it under a magazine. He didn't want to look at it anymore. He left the flat. It was beginning to feel claustrophobic and sad. He had left far too many painful memories in its walls.

* * *

He walked the streets aimlessly, no clear destination in mind. Inevitably, he caught the train down to Coventry to revisit the wood where Roy had last been seen. He'd been back there so many times, seeking anything that might help him put his grief to rest. He'd never found anything, but that wasn't the point. He was there, and he was looking. Maybe one day he'd find something that would tell him what had happened to him.

The woods were cold and dark. Lonely. He wandered aimlessly, unsure why he kept coming back. He had searched this woodland thousands of times now. He felt he should know it well, but he didn't. The woods were ever-changing, never letting him get close enough to learn its secrets. He'd found nothing, as usual. He sat down on the tree stump and stared at the ground. How had things got so shit anyway?

The wind picked up, blowing all around him. Jeff curled into himself, trying not to get too cold. A sense of unease overcame him, and he could not help but feel like there was death all around him. Through the thick canopy, he could see the thick dark clouds. The sky had darkened. A storm was approaching.

A raven cawed, screeching into the sky. Jeff decided that was the moment to leave, and he fled from the woods, trying to find his way out. He would head towards the manor once he was out of the woods, if only because he felt it might be the best place to shelter. The wind was picking up, and rain was beginning to fall. He would beg to stay, beg the Earl on his knees if he had to, and if they were feeling nice, they might let him in until the storm passed.

It wasn't until he got back to the estate that he realised things had changed. The cars had vanished and it appeared he was back in time. Back in time? Was it really back in time? He wasn't sure. Perhaps all the cars had just moved. A voice calling through the wind caught his attention, and he turned to see someone coming from the manor, ushering him inside.

"In here, Lord Warwick! There's a storm coming, my Lord!"

Jeff ran towards it, hoping to find some shelter. The storm was indeed getting worse. The servant ushered him inside and took him through to the kitchens. Jeff was grateful for the hospitality.

"My Lord, how long you been out there for? Bit wild an' all, hey?" the servant asked.

"Oh, I was just taking in the woods. Tell your master I'm here and that I'd appreciate his hospitality, at least during the storm," Jeff said. He felt oddly different, though he couldn't quite tell how or why. He just knew he carried himself differently, now that he was inside the manor.

"I'll let him know. Follow me, my Lord," the servant said.

Jeff dutifully followed the servant to the drawing room, where the Master of the House was sat with his wife. Jeff had tidied himself up as he walked, not wishing to upset the Master. He had forgotten who lived in this mansion.

"Lord Aylesford, my Lord Warwick to see you. He was out in the storm, your Lordship," the servant said.

Lord Aylesford turned to see him. Jeff did know him then, knew him from another time, and the sight surprised him. It was a moment of disbelief and confusion, though it didn't last. The shock faded, and the man before him was simply Lord Aylesford, who smiled and greeted him warmly.

"Ahh, my good Lord, it is good to see my old sparring partner again. How long has it been again since we last clashed in the Lords? Too long, I fear. What are you doing in my neck of the woods anyway? You're a bit far from home," Lord Aylesford said.

"I was merely taking in the scenery. Sometimes the Castle gets so confining. Parts of it are haunted, I am certain. I hope you'll let me stay here a while, at least til the storm passes," Jeff said.

"My friend, you are welcome any time. Come, you are almost in time for supper. Dashkin, we can afford to feed one more mouth, can't we? Send word to the butler and prepare another setting. My Lord Warwick will be dining with us tonight," Lord Aylesford said.

"Very good, my Lord," Dashkin the servant said, as he bowed and left them alone.

Lord Aylesford watched him go. He went to the counter and poured a glass of port for his friend. "There, my Lord. Drink away your sorrows."

"Aye, indeed. I have had some good fortune in passing so close to your estate," Jeff said, toasting the sentiment.

"Think nothing of it. There will always be a place here if you need it. I am always generous to those in need, and it seems you are in need of shelter tonight, my Lord. I will do you a favour and not mention to the Parliament that you were found wandering in my woods this night, to maintain your dignity. I cannot say fairer than that," Lord Aylesford said.

Jeff smiled. "Then I will graciously not mention your kind hospitality at taking in your rival and feeding him like your closest friend."

Lord Aylesford clasped his hand and brought him close. "We are closer friends than I believe you recognise, my Lord. Our rivalry ends when we leave the Lords. Pray, let us be friends here tonight. I will have no harsh words under my roof."

"It is the least I can do, since you were so kind to take me in. A truce, then, until we clash swords again," Jeff said.

Lord Aylesford caught him in a kiss at that moment, and Jeff was so startled he dropped his glass. When the shock left him, he saw that he was alone. The sudden shift back was disarming. He had not heard the Earl leave, and he looked around, confused, wondering what had just happened.

As he looked around him, he saw he wasn't alone. Ace was standing in the doorway, watching him. As Jeff recognised him, he was filled with confusion, relief, anger, jealousy, and fear. He hated that he still reacted like that after so many years, but he couldn't help it.

"How did you get in here? Did Stanley let you in?" Ace said, taking a step forward.

Ace sounded like a proper nobleman; there was no trace of the broad accent Jeff had once known. Ace stood there in his suit radiating all the arrogance and power of a Peer. Jeff cowered at his presence. He felt he should kneel at his feet and hope he wasn't punished. He hated him like this, but this is who he was. The boy he'd known as Ace, who had said he was a commoner from the slums, was not this man. It still hurt. But his anger was overcome by fear. He knew his place, even if he hated it.

"I - uh, there was a storm, and someone brought me - but it wasn't- uh, yes, I think so. Yes, that was probably him," Jeff said, stumbling over his words as he tried to work out what had happened.

Ace gave him a weary look. "Have you been in the woods again, Jeff? How many times have I told you not to go wandering in the woods, chasing ghosts? You'll get lost one day, just like Roy did. Come here, I'll get you home again," Ace said, standing before him.

"Oh, 'm so sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, y'Lordship, I-"

"This is the last time, alright? Those woods are part of our land, and I won't have you walking all over them chasing ghosts. Wherever he is, he's not coming back, alright?" Ace said. "C'mon, this way."

Jeff nodded in agreement. He felt vaguely humiliated as he was escorted through the manor and out to the front of the estate. They didn't talk, and Jeff didn't like the way Ace seemed to treat him as an unwanted guest. It was uncomfortable to be so close to him.

Jeff stood there in silence, wondering if he might want a fee for helping him, and fished around in his pockets to see if he had any money with him. He didn't have much with him, and he felt dismayed at the handful of coins he pulled out of his pocket. "Y'Lordship, I'm sorry if I imposed at all, but I just-"

Ace watched him curiously, brushing aside the offer. "I don't want your money, Jeff. Don't pretend you care. I know you don't like me. But it's been ten years. I'd have thought even you weren't so petty as to hold onto a wound that long."

Jeff sighed, and tried to think of a response that wouldn't result in him getting in trouble. All he found was the truth. "Y'don't understand, A-y'Lordship. It's not that simple. We all thought you were one of us. Y'know, one of the lads from where we'd all come from. A proper working class lad who grew up in a council house and knew what it was like to be poor. We believed ya when you said you were from the slums. We believed you. But then it turns out yer one of them. A Peer. One of them upper class bastards. You didn't grow up like we did. You don't know what it's like at all. You don't have to worry about money, or having somewhere to live. You went to a proper school, one where they gave a shit whether you did well or not and taught you proper things. You don't need a job. You don't have to live in a shitty flat with no money, a wife who hates you, and a young kid to look after. You'll never know how bloody hard that all is. I'm sorry, Ace, but yer just not one of us, not like you said you were. I thought you were like me, that you'd understand what it was like to grow up like we did, but you know nothing of that at all. You were born with more money than I'll ever see in my lifetime. That's why it still hurts."

Ace caught his gaze, and Jeff found it unnerving. "You're right. I'll never know any of that. But I never pretended to be something I wasn't. Just think on that a while. Maybe one day I'll tell you what really happened."

Jeff went to reply, but Ace interrupted him, the arrogance gone from his voice.

"Go home, Jeff. You'll get no peace chasing ghosts."

Jeff nodded helplessly, even though he would be pleased to get off the estate. Ace gave him directions to the nearest bus stop and sent him on his way.

He sat on the train back to Birmingham in a daze. It was partly due to grief, partly his words, and a good dose of confusion. As he sat there, gazing out the window, he could've sworn he'd seen Roy riding a horse alongside the track, but by the time he looked back, he had disappeared. He was beginning to suspect he was going mad if he didn't get over him soon. It seemed easier to say that than to actually do it. Roy had become so enmeshed into his heart, Jeff was sure it might just kill him if he tried to forget him.

* * *

Back home, the baby was crying, and his wife sat on the sofa looking exhausted. Holly was refusing to suckle again, and it was beginning to take its toll on them both. Jeff dutifully sat down beside her and took the child in his arms, rocking her gently. She did not immediately stop crying and Jeff had no idea what to do. He didn't have as much of a paternal instinct as he'd hoped, not now that he actually had a real life baby human to take care of. He thought he was ready. He had discovered he was so very not ready for fatherhood, though he had done his best, given his wife had not been much help, either.

"I'm so tired, Jeff. If you're not going to find a job, the least you can do is take care of her. Someone's got to bring in the money, and it doesn't look like it's you. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who does any work around here," Rosie said.

There was a stab of guilt there. Jeff knew it was true. He had no desire to play music, and no desire to find work. All he had contributed to this marriage was mediocre fathering and a little money. Perhaps he should let her go live her own life while he took care of the child. It was the least he could do, he felt. He was so useless, he couldn't even provide for them. They sat there in silence as he tried to comfort the baby. She cried and reached for his shirt. He held her close and sang a little to her.

She sighed and got to her feet. "I'm going to bed. I'm on the early shift tomorrow. Try not to wake me. You are capable of feeding her and putting her to bed, aren't you?"

Jeff didn't answer. He stayed where he was as she left him alone. He went to the kitchen. Holly needed feeding, and without her mother, he'd have to do it all himself. She had quietened a little, though, and Jeff held her close as he warmed up some milk for her.

He returned to the sofa, bottle of milk in hand, and tried to get her to drink. He had mostly got over the angst about it not being his child. He hadn't been told who the real father was - all she'd said was that it was some guy she picked up at a club - but it didn't matter. If her biological father wasn't going to take care of his own child, Jeff would have to raise her instead. He just hoped he would be a good father. He had a small hope that Holly might mend their broken marriage, but by now, he wasn't sure even that would be enough.

Realistically, he knew they should divorce. The only thing stopping them arguing and getting on each other's nerves was Holly. Jeff was willing to take care of a baby that wasn't his. As independent as Rosie was, perhaps she appreciated that he hadn't just thrown her out when she'd told him she was pregnant. Jeff was too nice to do that.

Holly did eventually take her milk. He watched her settle down in his arms, all warm and round and pink. He loved those moments. He loved her the most during those moments. He would hold her close and sing to her softly, and she'd grasp onto his shirt as if she didn't want to be apart from him. Sometimes, it made him cry.

He nursed her till she was ready to sleep. As he put her into her cot, he couldn't help thinking that she was the only thing keeping him there. He might have already left his wife if he didn't have a baby to care for. He was never sure where he'd go if he did leave, but that wasn't the point. There was so little intimacy between them that he slept on the sofa. He might as well be her brother for all the love they shared. He was aware she was seeing someone at work, but he didn't have the heart to care. They had a child to care for now, and that was the most important thing as far as Jeff was concerned.

As he watched her sleeping, he wondered how things might've been if he hadn't decided to marry Rosie in the first place. It hadn't quite been a spur of the moment decision; they had talked about it for months before they finally went to the registry office. It was still a surprise, though. He had met Rosie at a club, back when he was still playing in bands, and they'd become good friends. She'd suggested marriage. She'd wanted to move out of home, but her mother wouldn't let her. Rosie was sure marriage was the only way she'd get out of there. She'd provided more of a reason than he had. When he'd befriended Rosie, his mother had made her disapproval apparent. She'd been waiting for him to settle down with a girl for years, but she didn't want it to be Rosie. Jeff agreed to marry her more out of defiance than anything else. He wasn't confident enough to embrace his own sexuality, though Rosie knew about it. It had become a marriage of convenience then. She got out of her parents' home, and Jeff could pretend to be straight. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, he wasn't so sure. Maybe one day it would all be over, but he didn't want to think about that just yet. Tucking Holly in bed, he kissed her head softly and left her to sleep. Yes, things were different now, and he wasn't sure he'd choose differently, if he had a chance to do it all over again.

* * *

Jeff hadn't seen Rosie for days. He was sure she hadn't actually left for good, because he had been vaguely aware of her leaving and returning from work, but all he'd really been focused on was Holly, and hadn't cared enough to see if Rosie was alright. Holly had begun teething, and had been unsettled for days, leaving Jeff even more sleep-deprived than normal. She didn't always want to calm down for him, but he dared not wake Rosie for help, not if she'd come back from a shift and needed to sleep.

Rosie wasn't in then, though. Jeff was left alone, and Holly didn't want to sleep. Downing yet another cup of coffee, he tried to settle her, but even though he'd managed to stop her crying, she was wide awake. Jeff held her close as he walked around the flat, singing every lullaby he knew while she babbled in his ear. He didn't dare sit down; he knew he'd fall asleep if he did so. He couldn't rest til Rosie got back.

He put her to bed at 3am, but she just started crying again. Jeff was too unsure and worried to leave her alone, and picked her up again. He couldn't stop worrying that there might be something wrong with her, but he felt paralysed by inexperience and insecurity to know for certain. It was too late to ring his mother, anyway, leaving him alone to try to cope as best he could until Rosie came home.

He had no idea what time it was. He was so overtired he was wide awake himself, but he knew it was an illusion. As soon as he was able to lie down, he'd be asleep. But he wouldn't do that, not while Holly still needed him. He didn't want to leave her alone in case something happened. Maybe she had picked on his anxiety and couldn't settle because her daddy was unsettled. But it didn't help. He was not in any kind of rational state of mind to deal with that, not at that moment.

Holly finally fell asleep against his shoulder as Rosie got home a few hours later. She looked as tired as he felt, and if he hadn't been so overtired. he might've just left her to it, but for once, he needed her to care for Holly, and gently handed her over to her mother. Rosie did take her without argument, though, bringing Jeff some relief.

She did her best to settle the child against her shoulder, trying not to wake her. "Have you even slept at all?"

Jeff shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "No, she's been up all night. Jus' lemme sleep a few hours, yeah? I finally just got her to settle."

Rosie pressed a kiss to her daughter's head as she held her close. "We'll be alright. I'm not working til tomorrow. I'll take her. You get some rest. You look like you need it."

Jeff smiled gratefully. Saying a soft goodbye to Holly, who was still thankfully sleeping, he retreated to the bedroom and mercifully collapsed onto the bed, falling rapidly asleep.

* * *

It was late afternoon by the time Jeff woke. He'd become aware of the smell of dinner being cooked wafting through the house, and the sound of Holly dropping her blocks to the ground and across the room. He didn't immediately get up and just enjoyed the pleasure that came with being still, just for a moment. He didn't often get to feel that way, and he could feel his body relax completely. Not having anything to do left him feeling blissfully content. As he looked over to the door, he saw Rosie smiling at him, Holly in her arms.

"Alright, then?" Jeff asked.

"She's fine. We've enjoyed spending the day together, haven't we, Hol?" Rosie said. Holly reached for her mother's shirt and smiled up at her. Rosie kissed the top of her head. "You feeling any better then?"

Jeff took a deep breath as he sat up. "Yeah, I'm alright. Sorry for lumping her on you like that, but she hasn't been sleeping well the last few days. I just needed a break."

Rosie smiled. "Hey, you're not Superman, you know. I'm glad you're here to care for her. I know I don't say it often enough, but I do appreciate it."

"I know."

Rosie came and sat down beside him. Holly reached for her father, and Jeff took her into his arms. Jeff couldn't help smiling at her. She beamed at him, and a hand grasped his beard. She found it so strange that her father was so hairy. She found it perplexing.

"I didn't think you'd be so good with her. But she really does love you. She spent an hour napping beside you because it was the only way I could get her to be quiet," Rosie said.

Jeff looked over at her. "You think she's not bonding well with you?"

Rosie shook her head evasively. "No, it's not that. You just spend more time with her than I do."

"Are you still worried about -"

Rosie turned away from him a moment. "Just - leave it, Jeff. If I forget it, I won't do the same to her."

"Sorry, Rosie. I didn't mean to - but you know I don't judge you for it, yeah? I mean, I've hardly got the best relationship with my parents either," Jeff said, apologetic.

Rosie brushed him off and got to her feet. "I've - I'll go fix dinner. Give us ten, yeah?"

Jeff nodded and let her go. He brought Holly close, knowing part of Rosie's evasiveness was that she didn't want to talk about it when Holly was there to hear it. Maybe later they'd talk, though Jeff wouldn't have bet on it. He still didn't know everything Rosie had lived through; he'd never met her parents, nor her siblings. Jeff's mother didn't approve of her because she came from a poor family in Aston. Jeff didn't care, though. She was a good friend, one he was willing to protect if it came to that. Marriage had solved both their problems, and even though neither had planned on having children, it had, for now, not torn them apart at the seams.

* * *

Rosie joined Jeff in the lounge just as he was about to settle down for the night. Surprised, Jeff nevertheless let her sit beside him. She reached for his hand, just holding it, as she feverishly finished a cigarette. Jeff wasn't sure what to say. He just watched her smoke, wondering what was on her mind. Holly was already in bed, but they still had to be careful in case she woke up again. Jeff prayed she'd sleep through the night, just to give them some peace.

"Come to bed, will you? I don't want to be alone tonight," Rosie said as she stubbed out her cigarette.

Jeff tried to read the expression on her face. "Are you sure? I-I mean, I wouldn't want to presume-"

She turned sharply to him. "Don't sleep out here. I know it hurts your back. Just - come to bed, will you?"

Unwilling to turn down the chance to sleep in a bed that fit him, he went with her. Not wanting to pressure her, he waited for her to invite him in properly once she was settled. It felt strange to be sitting in bed beside her. They hadn't slept like this for years. She moved in beside him, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, sensing she needed his comfort, though not the reasons why.

"Alright, then?" he asked, opting for a general inquiry into her mood than anything more specific.

"You reminded me today about why I'm so frightened of being her mother. I'm not going to tell you what it was like at my place when I was a kid. You don't need that in your head. Because I know what you're like, and if you know, she'll bloody know soon enough, and I don't want her knowing that. I don't want her knowing what happened. It'll just poison everything. We're too fragile to survive that," she said, staring absently off at the far wall.

"I know you're just trying to protect me, but I feel like I don't even know you sometimes."

"There are times when all I want to do is lash out at you out of frustration, and sometimes I don't have enough patience to deal with Holly when she's upset, but I try so hard not to because all I can hear is my mother's voice, and I've fought my whole life not to turn out like her. I don't want to be like her. I need you to care for Holly for me, because there are days when I don't trust myself around her. I look at her, and I see myself staring back at me. I couldn't stop it. I was powerless. But I can stop it happening to her if I try hard enough. If I stay away, maybe it won't happen to her. I don't want her turning out like me. She doesn't need all the shit I've got in my head."

Jeff was hit with a sudden wave of panic. "You're not going to leave us, are you? You're not going to go?"

She shifted a little, and took a deep breath. "I think about it sometimes. I won't hide that from you. I dream of packing a bag and going to France and never coming back. I'd leave her with you because I know you'll take good care of her. But we're alright now, aren't we? We're doing alright. You're here taking care of her, and we're alright, aren't we?"

Jeff tried not to hear the nervousness in her voice as she spoke. "Yeah, we're alright. You just leave her to me. You work hard enough as it is."

Jeff felt her shiver, and she didn't speak again. He brought her close, trying his best to comfort her. At the back of his mind, he knew she'd leave one day. He never expected her to stay forever; he'd told her that when they were first discussing getting married. One day, she'd fly away, and maybe by then, Jeff would feel more confident about getting on with his life without her. Until then, he'd be by her side, and they'd do their best to make it work as long as they could.


	2. 1979-1980

_Early October, 1979_  
"I'm leaving. I can't deal with this anymore."

Jeff had gone for another walk to clear his mind, had taken Holly down to the park to play, and come home to find Rosie packing. It had come out of the blue, though in truth, Jeff was not exactly shocked she had come to this conclusion. He had not expected she would ever actually leave, even though he had sometimes wished for it, just so he didn't keep her trapped in a loveless marriage for eternity.

With Holly in his arms, he watched her packing, confused and upset. He might've sent Holly to her room, but he figured she'd probably hear everything anyway. She wouldn't be shielded from it, not in their tiny flat. Holly held onto her father tightly, gazing at her mother packing her things.

"But what about our daughter? You're not going to abandon her, are you?"

"If you love her so much, you can have her. I never wanted her anyway. I can't keep supporting you anymore, not when you're not even willing to make an effort to get a job," she snapped.

Jeff turned away, chastened. He hated the thought he'd forced her to keep the baby when she really didn't. He didn't think he was that heartless. He hadn't wanted an abortion, but surely he'd made it clear it was ultimately her decision. He was sure he'd given her enough space to make that decision on her own, that he hadn't pressured her to keep it, but now he wasn't so sure. She was making him doubt every decision they'd ever made together.

Holly had gone quiet, as if she knew something bad was happening. Jeff hoped she didn't understand the words being said and what they meant. He didn't want her scarred, even though her mother had hardly been all that motherly, given she was earning most of the money, leaving Jeff to bring her up mostly on his own.

Rosie stopped in the middle of the room and turned to him. Jeff wondered what she was going to do. He didn't want her to go, but maybe she was right. Maybe it was time to part ways. He tried not to look too upset, though inside his heart was breaking. He didn't know why he cared so much.

"Look, we both know this hasn't been working, not since that friend of yours disappeared. You've spent the last five years grieving for someone else. And I know it hurt to lose him, I know it did, but when are you going to start living again? You used to play songs for me. You used to be so happy. Whatever it is that's keeping you so miserable, please let it go. She doesn't deserve a melancholy father. Let me go, alright? Try to move on. I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life, regretting the fact that I stayed with someone who was in love with someone else. I don't want you to be stuck with me, either. I know you don't really love me. I've accepted that for a long time. Maybe you never did. But I don't want to deprive you of a chance at happiness with someone else. It's not good for either of us. I can just see the arguments getting worse, and I don't want her seeing those. I don't want her growing up with parents who don't care for each other. I saw that, and I don't want that for her. She won't remember this, not really, not when she's older. She'll forget me. She won't remember it like I do. You're a good father, Jeff. Give her a good home, will you?" she said.

Jeff looked at her. "But Rosie, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to look after her without her mother? What will I tell her when she asks me where she is?"

Rosie approached them and stroked Holly's hair gently.

Holly reached for her mother and held onto a finger. "No, mummy. Don't go mummy."

Rosie kissed Holly's head gently. "Mummy can't stay. Mummy wants a better life for you than the one she had. Daddy will take good care of you, I promise."

Holly turned away from her, burying her head in her father's shoulder as she began to cry. Jeff held her close, trying to comfort her. "Oh, don't cry, love. It'll be alright. Daddy's gonna take good care of you. It'll be alright."

Holly wriggled in his arms, and Jeff decided to put her down. She'd run off if she wanted to. She screamed and stamped her feet, shouting 'no!' at them both. She sat down between them and grabbed her mother's leg, not wanting her to go. She didn't understand what was going on, but she knew she didn't want her mother to go.

Jeff sat down beside her and tried to console her. "Holly, love, let go of mummy. Mummy needs to go, and you can't go with her."

Holly crossed her arms. "But why? Why can't I go with mummy? Why can't you come too?"

"Because mummy's going on her own. She wants me to take care of you. Daddy takes good care of you, doesn't he? Daddy loves you very much," Jeff said, hoping to calm her down.

"But why? Is she going to come back?"

Jeff looked up at Rosie, wondering what to say. Rosie knelt down beside her.

"Honey, mummy - mummy won't be back for a long time. Mummy needs to go away for a while. She doesn't want you getting hurt. But mummy loves you very much, and she always wants you to remember that," Rosie said.

"No!" Holly began crying again. She got up and ran away to her room, shouting 'no!' all the way down the hall. Jeff almost went after her, but Rosie grabbed his arm.

"No, just leave her. She probably doesn't understand yet. I don't want her remembering this anyway. I don't want her to remember me," she said.

"But Rosie - she's gonna miss you. How do I explain that to her?"

Rosie straightened. "Just tell her mummy didn't want her growing up in a bad house. It's for the best. We tried, Jeff, and she was enough at the start, but she isn't enough now. Staying together for the sake of our child isn't worth it anymore. We'll just argue, and she won't be our priority. And she should be. So take good care of her for me. Do something worthwhile with your life for once."

She didn't even give him a goodbye kiss. He felt he might've hated her if she had though. Holly was still in her room, quietly playing with her soft toys. She hadn't spoken a word to either of them. He wondered what she understood about what was going on. He watched her finish packing and leave. The house was too bloody quiet after that.

* * *

 _October to December, 1979_  
The first thing he did was call his mother. He cried down the phone line to her, he didn't even know why he was so upset as he had stopped loving his wife a long time ago, but at that moment, the only place he wanted to be was back home with his mother, even though she hadn't approved of the marriage in the first place. But he didn't want to hear her telling him Rosie was no good and that he was better off without her. He didn't want to hear his mother say that at that moment, and out of frustration and anger, he hung up on her. He felt he might've hit something if Holly hadn't been there with him. She'd heard him crying and come out to see what was wrong. He picked her up and held her tight, unable to stop his tears.

He never quite knew how to deal with his mother. He wished they had a better relationship. It had been great when he was young, but as he'd got older, as he'd started to grow into an adult, he didn't seem to be able to do anything right. She hated the music he liked. She wanted him to have a proper job, not run about in bands at all hours of the night, and she certainly didn't want him being intimate with another man.

That had probably been the worst night of his life. His name was David, and he was another boy from school, the one everyone teased for being gay. Seeing how he was treated had silenced Jeff. David had been so badly bashed one time he had almost died, but for some bizarre reason, he survived, and he still came back. Jeff admired his courage. It had been why he'd shyly introduced himself one afternoon when he felt sure no one would notice. He didn't want to be seen as queer, or seen befriending the queer boy. That would make his final year unbearable.

Still, David did not seem hostile when he approached, and perhaps he saw something in Jeff's eyes that told him more than the words they actually spoke. Jeff invited him back to his place, just so they had some privacy. He played guitar as well, and they spent the night listening to records in his room. It had seemed innocent enough, but once his parents had gone to bed, he had dared to talk in whispers about his sexuality, confessions only they would share.

But things weren't to go his way. His mother had caught them sharing a chaste kiss as they said goodbye. She had sent him away and forbid them from seeing each other. Jeff had tried to explain, had fearfully come out to his mother in a bid to calm her, but she would accept none of it. That always made him cry. She would never accept that part of him. She could never love all of him.

He was so confused about everything. He had tried to be straight. He had tried to love his wife like he was supposed to, but it hadn't worked. He'd strayed to other men in a mistaken attempt to make himself happy, but all the sneaking around had just made him miserable. He felt dirty and unclean, but unable to bring himself to care enough to change. He couldn't help who he loved, and he had loved Roy dearly, so incredibly fiercely, that it still hurt that he was gone. But by all accounts, that had sent the man to his grave. Roy could not abide the thought of another man being in love with him. That had to be why he'd disappeared. All it did was compound the guilt. Jeff swore he would never love another man, afraid the same thing would happen all over again.

He held Holly close to his chest then, holding her close as he fought back his tears. She was the only comfort he had left. He couldn't abandon her. He wouldn't abandon her. She wasn't even his child, not really, but he didn't care, not at that moment. She was the only important thing in his life now. He was determined he wasn't going to fuck up her life the way his mother had fucked up his. He would be everything she wasn't, and love Holly no matter what. He didn't want her hating him the way he hated his mother.

It was the first of many lonely nights. It took Jeff a week before he gave up on the sofa and moved to the bedroom, where he found Holly curled up asleep. She'd refused to sleep anywhere else since Rosie had left, but Jeff didn't have the heart to move her. Having her there beside him was comforting. It made the flat feel less empty than it was.

He hadn't contested the divorce. He didn't see the point. It wasn't amicable, but it was over quickly. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to win full custody either, apart from the fact he had been the only one willing to look after Holly. He'd only managed to get a job in the week before the settlement, and had managed to talk his mother into caring for the child while he was at work. It was the only way he'd keep going. It wasn't the greatest job ever, but it brought the money in, and it was enough for the moment.

He still had no desire to go back to making music. He was in no state to be able to do that. Being a single father of a young child was not conducive to late night gigs. She came first. She would always come first. Maybe when she was older, maybe when he had someone else to care for her while he was away, maybe when he didn't have to work all the time. Maybe, maybe, maybe. His life was filled with 'what ifs?' and he could see no certain future ahead of him.

Still, he had picked up his guitar at last and had started playing her little songs. She liked that. She smiled and laughed and reached for the strings. The first time she'd done that, it had brought him to tears as he watched her amazed reaction as she heard the sound she'd made. He let her strum a little, watching her delighted expression as she made sound. He loved that kid so much.

He hadn't bothered looking for another partner, though there had been offers. His mother had introduced him to some nice girls she thought would be appropriate and willing to take care of the child, but he'd politely but sadly declined. He didn't want to get married again. He was sure that would just end in disaster too, and he didn't want Holly growing up in a sad house. He'd promised Rosie he'd give their daughter a good home, and he felt he'd be better doing that on his own. Perhaps he was just never meant to marry in the first place. Maybe he was always meant to be single.

He had not sought out any male company either. He was too scared of his mother finding out and possibly disowning him, and he needed her to take care of Holly for him. She was still too young to leave on her own, and she hadn't started school yet. No, until she was older, he was prepared to remain on his own. He felt that was definitely for the best.

It didn't mean he stopped wanting men though. He was always ashamed at his desires, that he could never be the son his mother wanted. He wished he could settle down with another man. He felt that might be the only thing that would ever make him happy. He might never be with Roy, but Rosie was right. There was no point in hanging on to unrequited love. Holly needed a happy father, not a sad one. He would do his best to find some joy in life.

* * *

 _Late May, 1980_  
His name was Hugh. They'd met in a local bar, though he was from London, given his accent. It was a rare night off, and Jeff was planning to enjoy it. He'd left Holly with his mother, who had agreed to take care of her so he could have a few hours to himself. He'd hinted he might be out all night if he met a girl, just to cover his arse if he ended up at someone's house, which had been the only reason she had agreed.

Hugh was younger than him, but Jeff liked him a lot. He was queer as all fuck, and he made him laugh. Turned out he was a cellist, and that brought back memories of Roy and the band they'd always wanted to get together. A rock band with classical instruments. They'd tried to make a go of it, but it had lasted only two and a half years. Roy had disappeared then, and Jeff hadn't had the energy to continue. The band had fallen apart without them to lead it, and as far as Jeff knew, they'd all moved on to other bands. But Hugh seemed to like the idea, and he seemed interested in starting it up again. Jeff was reluctant though, and he wasn't entirely sure he should be starting up a band when he had a young child to look after, and no one else to help out.

Hugh did his best to talk him into it though, and over a few more beers, Jeff was almost convinced it was a good idea. Jeff even went home with him. He hadn't planned on it, but by the time they'd left the pub, Jeff was a lot drunker than he'd anticipated. Hugh decided he wasn't going to let him go home alone and took him back to his place, claiming to be a responsible adult.

They'd barely got inside when Hugh pulled him into a kiss. Jeff was pushed against the door and he grabbed Hugh close, eager to have him. It had been so long. So very long. He craved Hugh, wanted to have him all for himself. Hugh was more than willing to oblige, and they stumbled into the bedroom, in between kisses and drunken groping.

* * *

Jeff woke the next morning not knowing where he was. It took a moment to remember and he looked over to find a naked Hugh lying beside him. He lay back down. He was also naked, which was a little alarming. It had been so long since he'd given in to his desires. He thought he had some self-control.

"Oh, God. That didn't happen, did it?" Jeff murmured, hoping the answer wasn't yes.

Hugh yawned as he stretched, keeping his eyes closed. "If yer talking about ... whatever it was that happened, yeah, sure, whatever."

Jeff felt nothing but shame then. "Oh, God. What have I done?"

Hugh sighed and looked over at him. "I gave you the best damn blow job you've ever bloody had. Fuck, man, anyone'd think it'd been years since you last got laid."

Jeff lay there staring at the ceiling. "But it has been years. I told you I used to be married. I've got a daughter at home. But this. Oh, God. What have I done?"

Hugh rolled over to face him. "Are you seriously going to beat yourself up over that? Man, you have some issues. Anyone else'd think I did them a favour. You sure as shit needed it, that's all I'm saying."

Jeff sat up, pulling the duvet close around him. "But I'm not allowed to be gay. I can't- I can't do this. I'm sorry, I have to go. She's probably missing me and I'll have to think of an excuse for my mother. Oh, God, what will she think of me? I let her down again. One night, that's all I wanted, and I fucked it up."

Hugh watched him get out of bed and fish around for his clothes. He wasn't going to argue with him. There'd be time yet, he just had to be patient.

Jeff dressed and left, hoping no one had seen him leave. He went straight to his mother's to pick up Holly. He apologised to his mother and told her he'd gone home with a girl he'd met. She didn't look pleased, and told him again he should settle down, but he ignored it. He had to. He didn't want to settle down, not with a girl, not with Hugh, not with anyone. He was quite sure about that.

* * *

He took Holly home and played to her some more. He needed to calm down and try to forget he'd spent the night in another man's arms. That would take some getting over. He hadn't been with another man for a long time. He was terrified of discovery ever since the divorce. No one was allowed to know about that side of him. But Hugh had been so nice, and so fucking queer. Jeff had let his guard down and given in.

In the cold light of morning, he wasn't sure he actually regretted it as much as he had when he first realised what had happened. As his memories returned, he remembered how happy he had felt being with him, and he wanted to cling to that more than anything. Freed from his marriage, he could indulge his desires to be with men without the guilt associated with it, if he managed to keep it secret. He wanted to stop hiding and pretending to be straight. He just wasn't sure he had the courage right at that moment. Perhaps in time, he'd feel braver.

Hugh had done more than sate his desires. For the first time in a very long time, Jeff actually missed being in a band. Hugh made him remember why he liked making music so much. But he couldn't go through with it again. He couldn't. Who'd look after Holly? He'd promised to look after her and not abandon her. He couldn't just leave her because some nice boy he'd met that night had talked him into it. No, that would not do. He couldn't do it.

He pushed the thought aside. He pushed Hugh aside. He played music for Holly and watched her laugh, remembering why he got up in the morning. He couldn't have the life he wanted because she needed him. He needed his mother. There were too many other people to please before he could have any pleasure of his own.

He was already teaching her how to play his guitar. She wanted to know everything about it, each note or chord he was playing, and he watched her trying to make her hand stretch around the neck as she tried to imitate the way he was playing. She had learnt she could change the sound by just pressing her hand down on the strings. It made strange noises when he was playing, and she liked the way they sounded.

She'd developed her own style of playing. If he put it on the ground for her, she would run her fingers over the strings and play her own songs, which usually consisted of singing every word she could think of. She hadn't quite yet understood the notion of pressing down the strings on the neck at the same time that she strummed with her other hand, though, but Jeff was patient. She'd figure it out eventually. In the meantime, he would let her play all she wanted, even if the discordant sound did sometimes make his ears ring.

* * *

 _Early June, 1980_  
Jeff was down the park with Holly a week later, watching her play. He had trouble letting her out of his sight for too long, or he'd worry she'd get herself lost. He was the only one responsible for her now, and he had to be close to her in case she needed him. He did sometimes feel be was being too clingy with her, being too overprotective, but it was hard to let her go.

"That her, is it?"

Jeff turned to find Hugh standing behind him. "Yeah, that's her. What are you doing here anyway?"

Hugh came and sat beside him on the bench. "Oh, just passing. My offer still stands, you know. I'm interested. But so is everyone else. I'm a fine cellist, and I'm willing to be yours. You just gotta ask, Jeff. But don't leave it too long. I won't wait forever."

Jeff sighed. "But she's so young. I can't just dump her on my mother like that. We're ... we're not that close anymore. She wants me to marry again, but I can't do it. Not again. I just can't. Not after what happened last time. I don't know why you'd want me anyway. I've got too much baggage."

"So what did happen anyway? I heard about Roy, you know. I heard he'd disappeared. Killed himself, so everyone says. Did they ever find his body?" Hugh said.

"No, they still have no body, but they can't think what else might've happened to him, so they've." Jeff swallowed his grief. "They've declared him dead. Signed his death certificate and all, apparently. Makes it all official now. There's even a funeral next week, so's his poor mum can put him to rest at last. It was my fault. No one else's fault but mine that he went out there and killed himself. I loved him, Hugh, but I never told him. No one knows. I'm not out, if you get what I mean. So I couldn't- and then he disappeared and the last thing he hears is that I'm in love with him-"

Jeff couldn't go on. He didn't want to talk about that anymore. It still hurt. He still remembered all the questions he'd been asked when Roy had first disappeared. It had been intensely uncomfortable and frightening, and Jeff had barely managed to keep the truth from them. There was no way in Hell he was admitting what had really happened, and he had prayed Bev wouldn't mention it either. He didn't want the cops finding out about him. He was afraid of being arrested and sent to jail, or a mental hospital, depending on how kind they felt they were being.

Hugh rubbed his back, trying to calm him. "Sounds like a pretty shitty situation. Are you gonna go to the funeral then?"

Jeff took a deep breath, trying to settle himself. "I wasn't going to, but his mum asked for me, and maybe I should go anyway. I don't really want to, though. It's gonna be awful, I just know it."

"Maybe you should go anyway. Maybe it'll help to say goodbye," Hugh said.

Jeff shrugged. He wasn't entirely convinced about that. "I don't know. Maybe. He could still be out there, y'know, but we'll never know because he hasn't come back yet. It just feels so ... arbitrary. But I can't imagine what his mum's going through. I don't blame her for wanting closure like that."

"Why don't you go? I could take Holly for you if you didn't want her going with you. Only I'd hate for you to miss out on a chance to say goodbye. I think you need it," Hugh said.

Jeff brushed him off. "Oh, no, I couldn't impose on you like that. She barely knows you anyway. I'll just leave her with me mum again. Maybe one day I won't have to do that."

Hugh reached for his hand and just held it, offering his silent support. "Yeah, I understand." He scribbled down his number on a scrap of paper and handed it to him. "Look, I like you, Jeff. If I can't convince you to start a band again, I'd like to be friends. Call me if you ever need a sympathetic ear, yeah? I'll listen. I'll help you take care of her. You look like you could do with a friend, yeah?"

Jeff nodded. "Yeah, thanks, I will. That'd be - nice."

Hugh smiled at him. "I think she needs you now. You'd better go make her better."

At his words, Jeff was drawn to Holly's cries as she ran over to him, Hugh forgotten in his desire to tend to his daughter. He scooped her up in his arms and tried to comfort her. She'd scraped her knee. Not a bad injury, but it would sting for a while. He sung a little to distract her, before deciding maybe they should go home. He carried her. She needed to be close.

By the time they got home, she was calm and dozing off, her head resting against his shoulder. He had got better at looking after her when she was hurt, now that her mother wasn't there to comfort her. Once inside, he washed the injured knee and treated it with iodine. She cried a little at the pain, but he sung to her again, and she settled. With a few sweets for being a brave girl, she was happy and went off to play.

He was exhausted. He hadn't had time to digest everything that had happened with Hugh at the park, though he did still have his number. He wrote it down in his address book, just so he didn't forget it. He was secretly grateful for his friendship. He'd never had anyone he could talk to before, not about that. He felt a strange sense of relief that he wasn't alone. He wouldn't be committed to silence anymore. He didn't have to keep that side of him hidden away, not when he was with him. It might not have seemed like a lot, but given he had to keep hiding everywhere else, it would be blessed relief to have Hugh as a safe haven.

* * *

Hugh pulled up outside the church, parking across the road where there was room. Jeff had been dreading this day for years, and now that it had come, he didn't want to go. Holly was in the back; Hugh had offered to take care of her while he went to the funeral. Jeff almost hadn't accepted it, but Hugh had been around a few times during the week, and Holly at least knew him now and liked being with him. He wanted to see how she'd cope being with him for an hour so, to see if Hugh might be able to help him when he needed it, rather than his mother.

"You're not chickening out again, are you?" Hugh said as he watched Jeff beside him.

Jeff was up to his third cigarette. He took a deep breath, staring straight ahead, directing the smoke out the window. He tried not to smoke around Holly if he could avoid it, but sometimes he just needed it. "I don't want it to be final. I don't want this to be goodbye."

Hugh shifted to face him. "I know you don't. I'm pretty sure no one wants to say goodbye. But she asked you to be there, didn't she? Shouldn't you, I don't know, go anyway?"

Jeff nodded slowly. "It's gonna be so hard, Hugh. I haven't seen so many of them for years. But she did ask, and maybe it's best I get it over with."

"You sure you don't want us there too? You know, for moral support," Hugh said.

Jeff thought a moment. "No, I don't want her seeing all that. She's too young to be going to funerals."

"Alright, we'll be around. We'll be back here in an hour or so, yeah? Come and find us when you're ready," Hugh said.

Jeff smiled gratefully. After reassuring Holly he'd be back soon and that Hugh would take care of her until he got back, Jeff got out of the car. It was now or never, and he wished he could just go back home and sleep. Dragging up all the courage he had left, he made his way to the church.

Roy's mother was there to greet him. Jeff understood why she'd done all this. Rationally, he knew there was a need to say goodbye, to stop pretending he was coming back. He'd been gone so long, no one believed he was alive anymore. It was time to put him to rest.

It didn't make it any easier to do, though. The thought of saying goodbye, and accepting that Roy was dead and never coming back, was not something Jeff wanted to deal with. His heart ached too much already. Grief was unlikely to help. He still held out some small hope that Roy would come back, but it was getting easier to let go of that the longer Roy was missing. It had become more like a dream.

Jeff found a seat at the back. Churches had always made him uncomfortable, especially once he'd figured out he was gay. He wasn't particularly religious either, which didn't help. He didn't feel like he belonged. Looking around, he recognised many old friends and fellow musicians, but they all felt like strangers, part of a life he had left behind long ago. He didn't want to talk to them anymore.

Jeff thought it was the worst funeral he'd ever been to. Without a body, and not knowing what had happened to Roy, it was a truly miserable affair. Everyone remembered him with kind words, and his memory would never be forgotten, but Jeff hated every moment of it. He left as soon as it was over.

As he lit a cigarette in an attempt to calm his nerves, someone came up beside him, catching his shoulder to stop him rushing off. Jeff turned to see Bev and Ace standing there. Jeff would've fled if he had known this was coming. He resisted the urge to bow to them, unwilling to be respectful of protocols on such a shitty day. He couldn't recognise Bev as anything other than a class traitor, associating with the nobility the way he was. Their relationship seemed to be accepted in a way that Jeff felt his never would be, no matter how progressive society became. They had power and he didn't.

"Jeff, hi, I thought I saw you hiding up the back there," Bev said.

Jeff shrugged. "I only came because Elsie wanted me there. I wasn't gonna come otherwise. Horrible thing to have to go through."

"Yeah, I hear you, man. Hey, we were going to head to the pub for the wake after the burial. Did you want to come? You look like you need a drink," Bev offered.

Jeff shook his head. "Can't. I got a kid to take care of now, and I ain't abandoning her to go drinking with you lot."

Bev looked genuinely apologetic. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Maybe another time, yeah?"  
"Yeah, another time."

Jeff didn't waste anymore breath on conversation and pushed past them. He wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He needed to be with Holly. He needed to be with Hugh.

He found them playing in the park across the road. Hugh glanced over as he approached. "So, judging by your expression, I'd wager you're not going to the gravesite?"

Jeff shook his head. "I can't. I just can't be around those people anymore. There's nothing to bury anyway. I can't say goodbye when there's nothing in the coffin. It's just - weird, y'know? It's like we all decided he was dead, and didn't bother telling him, so he hasn't bothered showing up. I just feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. Don't feel right, not to me."

Hugh decided not to comment. If Jeff wanted to speak, he'd speak. Hugh was willing to give him space. They watched Holly climbing up to the slide in silence. Jeff hated that she was unaffected by the grief he carried around with him all the time. He didn't want her getting hurt. He didn't want her heart broken the way his had been broken.

Stamping out his cigarette, he took a deep breath. "Let's get out of here. It's too depressing. I want to go home."


	3. 1980

_July 1980_  
Jeff was hopeful at how well his relationship with Hugh was progressing in the short time they'd known each other. They had not slept together again, but Jeff didn't mind. He was happy to get to know him first, because if things worked out well enough, Jeff might have someone else to help take care of Holly, and he needed that more than anything else.

It was a month and a half before Jeff felt confident enough to talk to Hugh about his sexuality. He had put it off so many times because he didn't want to talk about that side of him, but the fact that he'd reached out to him, had wanted to talk, was too enticing to give up on. When he thought about it, he didn't know of anyone else he'd feel safe talking to, not about that. He didn't trust anyone else. He felt like their tentative friendship was strong enough that Jeff could talk to him about that without fearing he'd be betrayed.

Hugh had come over that night for tea. Holly had asked for the cello man again, and Hugh had obliged, bringing his cello so Holly could watch him play. She'd become fascinated by it, as well as awed at seeing a musical instrument that was taller than her. She liked plucking the strings.

Hugh arrived at half six. Jeff had let Holly stay up, and she seemed pleased to see him. Hugh liked her too, and he made faces at her over tea, much to her amusement. Jeff liked that they got on so well. It had made things easier to manage, knowing he had Hugh to rely on if he needed him. He'd called on him to take care of Holly a few times now, just to see if it could work. If Holly didn't mind being with Hugh for a while, Jeff might just be able to handle things, if he knew he had another to help share the load.

They didn't talk until after Holly had been put to bed. With a beer each, and Holly safely asleep, they sat down on the sofa and Hugh dared to broach the topic Jeff had been avoiding for most of his life.

"Was Roy the first?"

"Yeah, he was. He was the first I loved. I'd been with others before him, but he was the first I loved. I didn't - I didn't even realise it at first. I just, I always loved his music, and we were friends, y'know? He kept asking me to join his band, and when I finally said yes, I felt like this was going to work. It was going to be amazing. We'd stay up all night dreaming about what we'd love to do. I've never met anyone who made me feel so alive, not like he did. He was so full of life. Shy as hell, but once he let you in, he was fun. I'm not even sure at what point I fell in love with him. I'm not sure there was a point. I did love him dearly, but I was too scared to tell him. I didn't want to scare him off. I didn't even know if he loved me back. I didn't think he did, but I didn't want to think about that. But I'll never know now. He's gone. I'll never see him again," Jeff said.

"How long have you known then? That you liked men?" Hugh ventured.

Jeff shrugged into the sofa, shoulders hunched and miserable. "Since I was 12, maybe 13. Those dreams, y'know? Started with them. Dad'd take me to the football, and I loved it, I always loved going with him, but we'd get home and I'd dream about them, about me heroes, all them fit players. They'd be." Jeff paused, embarrassed. He blushed and Hugh thought it was adorable. "It was, y'know, sexual stuff. Like, they'd be together, or sometimes with me. Doing that sort of stuff. Touching each other. Touching me. I didn't understand what it meant till later. I met a lad from school. The only other lad like me I knew. I wanted to be sure, so one night, while we were at me mum's house, we kissed. It was late, I thought everyone was asleep, we hadn't even undressed, but mum saw us. Must've been woken by something and she came down to find us there. She just threw him out and told me I couldn't see him again. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. Love was love, right? But apparently not. It was one argument of many. I think she stopped loving me that night. She still speaks to me, she still looks after Holly, but I know she disapproves. Or she's in denial. Sometimes I get both at once. She keeps setting me up with all these nice girls. I feel sorry for them. I don't know where she gets 'em, but every time we go out, I have to eventually turn 'em down. I never tell 'em why, I don't want them shamed, but I just can't. Not anymore. I did marriage once. I'm not doing it again. I'd just make her miserable, and I wouldn't want to do that."

Hugh sighed and looked over at him. "Oh, you really have some issues, don't you? My mum doesn't know, but she's back home in London. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. Besides, life's too short to spend it pretending to be someone I'm not."

"But I need her to look after Holly. I can't just cut her off now. I need her, and she's me mum, y'know? She's me mum. Who else would help? I can't just do that to her. She's only a little girl. She's my priority right now." Jeff said.

"I'll help. You know I will. I know you think I'm just after you for the band, but I like you too. I'd like to be friends. She's a good girl, she is, and you know she likes me. You've done well to get this far with her on your own," Hugh said.

"What good would that do though? We can't be in a band together. We can't go out together. She'd still be on her own," Jeff said.

Hugh gave him a look. "You telling me you don't need an extra pair of hands around here? I'm going to need to look for a new place soon anyway. My lease is up in a few weeks. I was going to move back to London, but I think I'd better stay up here instead. We don't even have to have a band. Let's just be mates. I get your reasoning, believe me, I understand your priorities are different to mine. But can't you at least think about it?"

Jeff blushed, embarrassed. He never found the time or energy to clean up properly. It just got messy again anyway, so he did the best he could and hoped it didn't get too bad. He had to do everything. There was no one else to do the work for him. He'd never been so tired. Never worked so hard. It had made him understand how his ex-wife had felt by the time they'd split. It helped him come to terms with the divorce.

"It's so hard to ask for help, Hugh. I don't want a wife. I don't want that sort of help. I mean, I'm grateful for what you've done, even though we've just met, but I just - " He gestured at the mess around them. "I can't do it all. I'm close to breaking point. I'm holding it back, just barely, but I'm exhausted. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this alone. But if I admit that..."

Hugh rested a hand on his thigh. "I'll help. Let me help, Jeff. It doesn't have to be romantic or sexual, it really doesn't. But you need help here, Jeff, and I'm volunteering. I can join another band; it's not like I haven't had offers. That'll help. I can be home with her then and look after the house while you're out. Then you can have her in the evenings if I have gigs to do. Face it, Jeff, you're not interested in being in a band right now, are you? So let me come and help. I'll be your wife. Then you won't need to get married again."

Jeff tried not to cry, but the fact Hugh was offering to help was the most amazing thing he'd heard in a long time. Hugh wrapped an arm around his shoulders and brought him close. Jeff just felt overwhelmed. He couldn't speak.

"It'll be alright, Jeff. You just let me help out and we'll be alright. I won't out you, we don't have to date or fuck, we can just be friends. I know you're scared about being seen with another man, and maybe people will talk anyway, but you can't keep on like this. It's no good for her, or for you. Didn't you promise to give her a good home?"

"I did, yeah. I promised I'd take good care of her. Not bring her up in a bad home like the one her mother'd been brought up in. I didn't want to admit I couldn't do it because then they might take her from me. They might decide I'm not fit to care for her, particularly if they think I'm gay. But she doesn't want her either. I'm not giving her up. She's all I've got," Jeff said, wiping his eyes.

"Hey, if it'll help, I've got an old girlfriend who'd be willing to move in too. Then it wouldn't look like it was just you and me. Would that help? You don't have to date, not properly, but she'd be willing to help too. I might've told her about you, that's all, and she felt sorry for you. Maybe that would help," Hugh said.

"She'd do that? She'd come and pretend to be me girl so it looked like we was, y'know, together like that? I think I'd feel better if she was there. No offence, Hugh, but I can't just be openly out with a man like that. No matter how many times I'd tell 'em we were just friends, I'm sure it'd get out somehow that we were gay, and I'm sure they'd take her from me. I'm the only one who cares about her. She's my kid. I can't lose her just because some bastards can't stand the fact that I'm gay," Jeff said.

"She'd do it. Last time I heard from her, she'd split with her current partner and said she'd have to move out soon. She's a nice girl, she really is. How about I bring her over tomorrow evening so you can meet her? Then you can decide if it's something you want," Hugh said.

"Alright. Bring her round. I'd like to meet her. See if she gets on as well with Holly as you did," Jeff said.

"She's adorable, that's for sure. Holly, I mean. She's got yer eyes," Hugh said.

"She's not mine, you know. She can't be mine. We were both sleeping around when she fell pregnant. She even told me she wasn't mine. It took me a while to come to terms with that, but I'm all she has now. Her father didn't want her, and then her mother didn't either, so now I'm all she's got. I don't know who the father is though. Not her real dad. She wouldn't tell me, and I don't know if she even remembers either. I'm not sure I want to know anyway. My name's on the birth certificate. As far as the law's concerned, she's mine, and that's what I'll always tell her. She doesn't need to know the real truth," Jeff said.

"I think that makes you even more amazing. Looking after someone else's kid is pretty deep. You don't even have to do that. You could've just said she wasn't yours and left her mother to take care of her. But there she is, someone else's kid being raised by you. I think I like you even more than I did before," Hugh said.

Jeff smiled. Hugh reached for his hand, and pulled him into a gentle kiss. It was the first moment of intimacy they'd shared since the first night they'd met. Jeff didn't pull away; being kissed by a man was good. It felt good. Maybe one day he'd be brave enough to be with a man out in public, but for now, he'd only do so in private. Fuck what his mother thought of him. She wouldn't be around forever anyway.

They settled into each other's arms, still kissing, Jeff letting their hands wander. He allowed himself to enjoy this, to give in, just for a while, and be who he really was, with someone who understood. Hugh didn't push him too far, stopping himself from pushing him into the sofa and fucking him senseless. Jeff did respond to his touch though. Hugh could see him getting hard, and he shifted onto his lap, grinding against him slowly.

Jeff had promised himself he wouldn't go too far. He wasn't all that experienced anyway, and he still didn't want to wake Holly, but Hugh started undoing his shirt buttons, and being touched like that, being touched by a male lover, changed his mind. Maybe he did need it more than he'd thought.

They didn't go as far as sex, not right then. Jeff wasn't ready to go that far just yet. Half undressed and sprawled on the sofa, Hugh sucked him off again after a considerable amount of time spent just grinding together, rubbing against each other, trying to be as quiet as possible. Jeff enjoyed being so close to him, and finally giving in and letting himself enjoy being touched by a man was a great relief. He pushed all his shame and guilt aside and gave in.

Jeff couldn't take his eyes off Hugh as he went down on him. He'd remember it this time, and he'd never felt so aroused in his life. Hugh would stroke him, suck tenderly on the head, glance up at him, and Jeff just wanted to fuck him. If he hadn't been so afraid of the noise it might make, he might've given in. Instead, Hugh pulled him down onto the sofa, and taught him how to get him off. He was sure Jeff hadn't done much of that before, and was happy to keep it simple, for now. There would be time for more adventurous sexual experiments later on.

Afterwards, Jeff asked him to stay the night. Hugh agreed, and they curled up in bed together, once Jeff had checked on Holly to make sure she was alright and that they hadn't woken her up. It had taken him a while to get used to sleeping in his own bed again after so long on the sofa. Jeff was sharing his bed with someone again, someone he wanted there. They fell asleep in each other's arms, Jeff unwilling to let him go.

* * *

The next morning, Jeff was woken by Holly climbing up onto his bed. Hugh was still soundly asleep beside him, and Jeff hadn't considered how that might look to her young eyes. He didn't think she would understand. She curled up beside him. She had become quite attached to him since Rosie had left, and often came into find him when she woke up in the morning, once he'd convinced her to go back to sleep in her own room than in bed with him. She had her favourite teddy bear clutched in one hand, and she presented it to her father expectantly.

"Morning, daddy," she said. "Say morning to Sukeybear."

Jeff kissed the top of her head in greeting. The bear was also hugged in greeting. "Good morning, honey, and good morning to you, Sukey. Sleep alright then?"

She nodded. "Essept for the weird noises a'heard."

"Did we keep you up? Hugh and I did stay up late talking. We did try to be quiet though."

She peered over at Hugh still soundly asleep beside her father. "Issat why he's sleeping there with you? Did he get very tired?"

"Yeah, he did. I thought he'd be more comfortable here than on the sofa," Jeff said. "Beds are for sleeping in, after all."

"But you slept onna sofa. I memember that. You slept onna sofa and mummy slept in a bed," Holly said.

Jeff hid his surprise. He thought he'd been careful enough that she wouldn't have noticed that. "Yeah, I did. That's how I know how uncomfortable it is, and I didn't want Hugh sleeping there too."

"Is he gonna stay more? Is he your new friend?" Holly asked.

"Yeah, he is. You like him too, don't you?"

She nodded slowly. "He makes music like you do."

Jeff smiled. "Does he play for you?"

She looked at him, wide-eyed. "He does! His guitar is much bigger than yours, daddy! He has to play it with a stick!"

"That's because he plays a cello, not a guitar. But I think you're a bit young to really understand the differences just yet," Jeff said.

She got up and leant over to look at Hugh again. He was on his side, with his back to her, fast asleep. Jeff held her back, making sure she didn't wake him. She looked at him curiously, trying to understand what she was seeing.

"Why is he sleeping here? Why would you sleep together? Is he special? Do you really like him?"

That wasn't a question Jeff had expected. It was strange to think that she'd never seen her parents sharing a bed, or that she even remembered that. Jeff had been on the sofa for so long, he had forgotten what it was like to share a bed at all. He hadn't imagined that would have any impact on her. He brought her back and sat her on his lap, trying to think of the right way to explain it.

"Daddy does like Hugh a lot, that's right. Sometimes, when people really like each other, they sleep in the same bed. So they can be close to each other," Jeff said. "Mummy and daddy didn't really like each other very much, though. That's why we didn't sleep together."

She seemed to accept this, and gave her father a tight hug. "You better not leave me too, daddy, or I'll get cross."

He held her back, smiling. "Don't worry, kid. Your daddy's not going anywhere. Now how about we leave Hugh to sleep and go get you some breakfast? Quietly, alright? We wouldn't want to wake him."

Jeff scooped her into his arms as he got out of bed. She pretended to sleep against his shoulder as they left Hugh behind and headed to the kitchen.

* * *

It really was the tiniest kitchen Jeff had ever seen, but it did everything he needed it to do. He sat Holly down on the bench before going to fill the kettle. Gazing out the kitchen window, it looked like it was going to be another cold grey day. Jeff wasn't looking forward to heading to work in that weather.

"So, what do you want this morning? Toast?"

Holly grinned. "Porridge! Can you make porridge, daddy? Wiv jam an' honey an' milk, please."

"Alright, I'll make you some porridge. Wanna help?"

"Yes, I help you, daddy!"

She reached for him, and he lifted her back down to the ground. She knew where everything was, and Jeff had made sure the things she could carry were at least within reach. Taking the pot of soaked oats from the bench, he added some more water and set it on the stove to cook. He picked her up and together, they tended to the pot, stirring it as it turned into breakfast. She would reach for the spoon, and Jeff would let her hold the end while he stirred.

Hugh wandered out to greet them just as Jeff was serving up. Jeff was pleased he'd remembered to dress, at least; he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with a naked Hugh wandering around the flat just yet, not when Holly was around at any rate.

"Morning, Jeff. Morning, Holly. Didya leave me any?"

"It's in the pan. I'm sure you're big enough to get yer own. I've got me hands full here," Jeff said as he got Holly settled at the kitchen table.

"Daddy made me porridge, Hugh. Is really nummy," Holly beamed.

"Well, I'd better go get myself some, hadn't I?" Hugh said as he wandered over to the stove. "Did you leave me any coffee then or do I have to make my own?"

Jeff glanced over at him. "I think there's enough left for you. Otherwise I think you know where everything is, right?"

Hugh grabbed a mug and poured out the last of the coffee. "You're a marvel. Thanks."

"I do it every morning. Nothing marvellous about it," Jeff said as he helped Holly with her breakfast.

Hugh came and joined them at the table with his breakfast. Holly was doing a fairly good job of managing on her own, but Jeff still kept an eye on her in case she ended up getting it everywhere. This wasn't particularly helped by Hugh pulling faces at her, making Holly laugh.

"Hey, so I'm assuming you're off to work soon, yeah?" Hugh enquired once they were done.

Jeff turned to him as he finished with the dishes. "Yeah, I am. Gotta leave early so I don't get trapped in that weather. Looks a killer out there today."

"Want me to watch Holly for you? I mean, save you heading to your mum's as well. It is pretty awful out there," Hugh said.

Jeff considered the offer. "Yeah, actually, that'd be really great, if it's not too much trouble. I'm working til six again."

"No, it's fine. I'm free. I'll get dinner ready for you so you can just come home and it's all ready for you. Like you need that to worry about on top of everything else, right?" Hugh said, charming him with his smile.

Jeff allowed himself to relax a little. It was hard to get used to the idea he didn't have to do everything himself, if Hugh was there to help him out. "Yeah, that'd be great."

"Don't you worry about anything, alright? We'll be fine," Hugh promised.

Jeff risked giving him a quick kiss; Holly was playing in her room, unable to witness it. "Thanks, Hugh. Y'don't know how much this means to me."

"It's nothing. You go shower. I'll hold the fort," Hugh said.

* * *

Jeff arrived home that evening to find Holly playing with a woman in the lounge. It took him a moment to remember who she was. He could see the two seemed to be getting on fairly well, though the thought that Holly'd been at home all day with people he still didn't know very well was a little scary.

Jeff approached them and sat down beside Holly. "Ahh, you must be Ruby, right?"

Holly stopped what she was doing as she saw her father arrive. She got up and gave her father a hug, pleased to see him. "Daddy! You didn't get snowed over, did you?"

He held her back and kissed her head. "No, daddy didn't get snowed over. How have you been?"

Holly turned to the woman beside her, suddenly gazing at her shyly. "I met Ruby. Hugh let her in. Issat arright?"

Jeff smiled. "Yeah, that's fine. She was meant to come round tonight. Do you like her, Holly?"

Holly nodded slowly. "Yes, daddy. She - she tells good stories."

"We've been telling stories all afternoon. She's come up with some great stories, haven't you, Holly?" Ruby said.

"She always did like telling stories. I wonder who she got that from, hey?" Jeff said.

"Oh, yes, daddy, you should tell Ruby your stories! I like your stories!" Holly beamed.

"Maybe after dinner, yeah? Go on, go get cleaned up. Daddy'll be out here waiting for you," Jeff said.

"Want me to deal with her?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind," Jeff said as he passed her over to Ruby. "You go with Ruby, alright, Holly? She'll get you cleaned up for dinner."

"Yes, daddy, I go clean, daddy!" Holly said, giving her father one last hug before allowing Ruby to take her down to the bathroom.

Jeff watched them go, pleased they got on well enough. He left the front room and found Hugh busy in the kitchen, preparing to dish out everything.

"You need a hand?" Jeff offered.

Hugh brushed him off. "Oh, go away. It's all sorted. You take a seat. I'll deal with this."

Jeff backed off, not wanting to get in the way. "Yes, sir."

"I take it you met Ruby in there? She's alright, she is. She's been here a couple of hours. I thought I'd introduce her and Holly before you got home, so she'd be used to her. Then she's just my friend, rather than somehow connected with you. She's not keen on a new mummy, that girl. You'd better watch out for that," Hugh said.

Jeff sighed. "Yeah, I know. I hoped she wouldn't get like that, but what can I do? She doesn't really understand what happened, and I don't have the heart to try explaining it to her yet."

"Are you betting on her forgetting all about it if given enough time?" Hugh asked.

"That's what Rosie wants, but it feels wrong, y'know? I can't help worrying she'd be all grown up one day and want to know who her mother was, and I'd have to tell her about it. But maybe she'll forget who she is anyway. She's too young to remember her, and she hardly saw her. I was the one taking care of her most of the time," Jeff said.

"I guess it's your decision, then. I'd understand if you didn't want to tell her till she was older, though. She'll figure out one day that she's not coming back, and then you might have to tell her. Maybe it'll hurt, but what can you do? Lie to her?" Hugh said.

"I don't know. I just don't know how to handle any of this. I always thought we'd divorce eventually, but I didn't count on having a child in the middle of it all. I never thought I'd be left to bring her up on my own. I never expected I'd have to be the one to deal with this," Jeff said.

"It's a bit late to be regretting it now," Hugh said. "Come on, time for dinner. We'll talk later once she's in bed."

It was a good enough distraction for Jeff as Ruby brought Holly back into the kitchen, all ready for dinner. It was unusual for the dining table to be so full, but Jeff liked it. The flat didn't feel quite so empty now that there were more people in it. Perhaps it was time to stop living alone.

He liked Ruby, too. Hugh had met her years ago at college, where they'd been taking music classes together and become good friends. Jeff didn't quite know how to parse the idea that Hugh had seriously dated her for over two years before they decided to split. And he hadn't been pretending like Jeff had been pretending with Rosie. Hugh had loved and desired her, and Jeff didn't understand how that could still make him so ridiculously gay. Hugh's sexuality defied classification, and it made Jeff uncomfortable.

They waited till Holly was in bed before talking further. Jeff was keen to see if having Hugh and Ruby around would actually work. There were so many things to think about, including how well Holly would react to having new people around, but Jeff knew he was at the end of his tether. Without their help, Jeff was sure he wouldn't last much longer on his own. Something had to give.

By the end of the night, they had come to an agreement. Moving in together would be hard in such a small flat, but they'd decided it would be a good test to see if they could make it work, and to see how well Holly adapted to it. If it was working, they'd look for a bigger house to rent. While still uncertain about what the future might bring, Jeff managed to sleep soundly that night, finally accepting that he didn't have to do it all on his own.

* * *

_August 1980_  
It had taken some time to negotiate the parameters of what they were planning. Jeff wanted to give Holly a little more time to get used to them both before having them come and live with them. He wanted them to be familiar, rather than strangers. He was comforted by the fact Holly seemed to cope quite well when Jeff had left her in their care. He also wanted to be clear about any relationships between them, and what he needed. Schedules needed to be arranged, but somehow it all fit together very well.

Jeff was a bit nervous about having two new people in the flat with him. Being friends was one thing, but living together was quite another. He hoped they would all be able to get along. He needed this to work.

Once they'd agreed to everything, they moved in the next weekend. It was a big move, and it took all morning to bring all their things over. Everything had been left in the lounge for now while Jeff tried to figure out where they should move into. That part hadn't particularly been discussed, and Jeff felt he might've been better having it organised beforehand, rather than having to deal with it now.

"Y'know there's only one spare room, right? Cos Holly's got her room, and I've got mine, so I - how's this all going to work?" Jeff said, wondering how brave he was going to be.

Hugh shrugged. "Up to you. What do you feel comfortable with?"

"If you want space to be with Hugh, I'm willing to take the spare room," Ruby offered. "Only I don't know how much of a relationship you've got at the moment."

Hugh and Jeff shared a look at the implication that there might be something more than friendship between them. Certainly they had slept together on a few occasions now, but Jeff hadn't considered that to be anything more than sex. A proper relationship was not something he had in mind, at least not at the moment.

"Oh, no, we're not - I mean, there's nothing there, least not as far as I know, right, Hugh? We're just - friends," Jeff said evasively.

Hugh shrugged. "We don't need to share a bed for what we do. Only, if you two are going to at least put up the pretence of being a couple, I think I'd better take the spare."

That did make sense to Jeff, even if the prospect of sharing a bed with a woman was not one he was going to like very much. He would do it if it meant he could keep Holly, though. He just hoped he could control it enough that there was no pressure on the two of them to get married, because he knew that once his mother found out, that's what she'd be doing. Perhaps he should just share with Hugh and not worry about pretending to be straight again. He sat down on the sofa, conflicted in every way possible.

"I just don't know. I want to be happy, but I know there'd be pressure if I looked like I was with a woman again. I don't know what to do," Jeff said.

Ruby sat down beside him and took his hand. "Look, I don't want to cause you any pain. If you'd rather share with Hugh, I'm not going to get in the way. Maybe I could just have my things there and just sleep in the spare. Would that be a good compromise?"

Jeff looked at her. "I think - yeah, that might be the best. It's not you, it's just - I've been married before, and I don't want the pressure to do that again. I'd be happier with Hugh."

"Then I'll take the spare. I really don't mind. I want you to be comfortable with this so we can make this work," she said. "Hugh was right. You do need some help. I think we can make this work if we organise things right."

"Come on, let's get all this moved in. I wouldn't want Holly tripping over on any of this if it stays here much longer," Hugh said.

It took another hour to get everything moved in properly. Holly had stayed in her room for the most part, unsure about this new woman moving her things into her father's room. She knew what that meant. She watched from the doorway, both curious and wary. This woman wasn't her mother. She'd left some time ago. But maybe she was getting a new one. She didn't know how she felt about that.

Jeff came to get her once they were done, bringing her out to the lounge to try to explain what was happening. She sat on his lap, gazing at the woman beside her father as she held onto him.

"Holly, you remember Ruby, don't you? Well, Ruby and Hugh are going to be living with us from now on. She's going to help take care of you, just like Hugh does. You like Hugh, don't you?"

Holly nodded shyly. She did like Hugh. He made her laugh and liked playing hide and seek with her. She wasn't sure about this woman, though. "Whooshe then? She's not mummy."

"No, she's not mummy. Mummy isn't living with us anymore. Ruby and Hugh are just friends. They're going to help take care of you," Jeff said, not sure what else he could've said.

"No want new mummy! No mummy!" Holly balled a fist into her father's shirt and turned away from Ruby, crying. "Don't want new mummy. Don't daddy, don't want new mummy."

"Oh, don't cry, Holly. It's alright, love, you're not getting a new mummy." Jeff did his best to comfort her. He could feel a tantrum coming on, and he didn't need that right now. "She's not going to be your new mummy. Daddy - daddy isn't interested in her like that." Jeff wondered if that made enough sense to a nearly-three year old without completely telling her the truth.

Holly pulled her father into a tight hug, clinging to him possessively. "No mummy. No mummy. Promise me no mummy."

"It's alright, sweetie, there won't be a new mummy, I promise. I thought you liked Ruby," Jeff said, hugging her close.

"But not as mummy," Holly insisted. "She was in your room, daddy. I sawed her. That's where mummy sleeps."

Jeff was surprised she'd noticed that. "I know, that is where mummy sleeps. But Ruby won't be sleeping in there with me. You're right, that's where mummy sleeps, and she's not mummy, so she doesn't get to sleep in there."

Holly still wasn't sure she was alright with that, but if her daddy said she wasn't going to sleep where mummy sleeps, then maybe it would be alright. She turned to look at Hugh. "So where Hugh sleeping?"

Jeff shot Hugh a panicked look, unsure how to explain that to her. He didn't think she was old enough to comprehend the idea of her father sleeping with another man. Then again, she might find out one way or another, and then he'd have to explain it properly. Perhaps a half-truth might be a better idea. "Er, Hugh's going to - well, he's going to be sharing with me until we find a bigger house. There's not enough room for us all here. But we'll get a nice big house with a big room and a nice yard for you to play in. Then he'll have his own room. How does that sound?"

It was distraction enough. Holly put her arms around her father's neck and smiled, nodding emphatically. "Good. Only mummy sleeps with daddy."

Jeff didn't blame her for feeling the way she did. In some ways, he felt it was too soon to be moving in with new people, particularly a new woman, but he knew he needed help, and if this was the only way to do it, so be it. Maybe when she was older, and he knew what kind of relationship he had with Hugh, maybe then he might explain things to her properly. Until then, he'd sleep alone because mummy wasn't there anymore.


	4. 1981

_February 1981_  
As it happened, it took them around six months to find somewhere else to stay. Ruby stumbled across the perfect house in Sparkbrook that they could afford if they pooled all their savings, and Jeff took little persuading to accept it. Using what settlement money that he'd gained from the divorce allowed them to buy it outright rather than rent, and knowing it was theirs forever brought him some comfort that things were going to settle down at last. It wasn't a huge house, but it wasn't a flat, and it had enough bedrooms and room for all their things. It also had a good-sized yard, just like he'd promised, for Holly to play in.

Jeff had never been so pleased to move before, and he liked the quiet street they lived in. It was near a park and a local school, and only a short walk to the main shopping strip. It felt good to have a proper house at last, rather than a flat. There were enough bedrooms for them to have one each. They painted Holly's bright pink and purple, and it was even bigger than her old room. She had a new bed and room for all her toys. She also had a much bigger house to explore, and stairs to conquer.

They had established some good routines before they'd moved, and Holly had grown used to having Ruby and Hugh around. Jeff had done everything he could to make it clear to her that Ruby was not a new mummy for her, and eventually, she got used to this. Certainly they didn't act like mummy and daddy, either, which helped her accept Ruby as just a friend. As long as her father was there, she didn't mind. Indeed, Ruby had occasionally been seen going out with another man who didn't live with them, helping Holly to understand that Ruby wasn't going to be her new mummy.

Jeff had grown very fond of Hugh as they began living together. Sharing a bed together for so long had brought them very close, though Jeff had stopped anything from happening between them at first because he knew that Holly would hear it in such a small flat. Jeff didn't want her to know just yet, particularly when Jeff wasn't even sure what Hugh was to him, apart from a good friend.

Even though they were literally just sleeping beside each other, it still felt better than Jeff had expected. He was still afraid of anyone guessing he was gay because he lived with a man as well as a woman, but he'd decided he didn't want to worry about that any longer. Having Hugh and Ruby around had emancipated him from totally relying on his mother to care for Holly when he wasn't able to care for her himself, and the three of them brought in enough money to make Jeff stop worrying about not being able to provide for Holly.

Ruby gave them more than enough space to explore their relationship, even though Jeff hadn't really considered Hugh would be anything other than a friend. He was proved wrong the more he grew closer to Hugh. It had taken some effort to manage their sex lives around Holly, though. Keeping things quiet and discrete was hard, and they didn't always find enough time to be with themselves. Holly had grown used to seeing them in bed together, but they always made a point of not staying long or making it seem like they were anything other than friends sharing a bed. She'd accepted this arrangement because there really wasn't anywhere else for Hugh to sleep, apart from the sofa, and now that they had a new house with enough room for them all, Jeff knew she'd be expecting that arrangement to stop. He didn't particularly want to, but he knew it was for the best, and it would help conceal their fledgling relationship from her until she was perhaps old enough to understand it.

While Jeff had grown used to sleeping beside Hugh, and occasionally allowing sex between them, loving another man, though, one that wasn't Roy, was a little harder. Jeff had ever entirely ruled it out, though. Even though he had loved Roy to the exception of pretty much everyone else, he knew he'd never have him and had reluctantly had to accept that if he wanted any love at all - and Jeff thrived on love - he would have to settle for someone who wasn't Roy. He was beginning to wonder if that someone might be Hugh.

Certainly they got on very well together. Jeff didn't think about Roy nearly as much when he was with Hugh. He began to laugh again, and play his guitar. Hugh was determined to cheer him up and help him leave his grief behind. He didn't expect him to forget about it completely, but it needed to be dealt with, and set aside, so it wasn't chaining him to a past that would never return to him. Hugh didn't insist on anything other than friendship, reassuring Jeff he could take his time to get comfortable with his company and with the idea of a more serious relationship with him. Hugh wouldn't rush him into either, and gave him plenty of room to work things out on his own.

Jeff knew that any relationship he pursued with Hugh would require some kind of explanation to Holly. It was a thought that was always in the back of his mind. Coming out to his daughter was not something he had ever anticipated having to do one day, but if things got serious with Hugh, perhaps he might have to do so. He needed her to understand how much of a secret it had to be, so she wouldn't just tell anyone about it, and he didn't think she was old enough to understand that just yet. Maybe when she was older, he might think about how to talk to her about his sexuality. Until then, it didn't matter. Hugh was just a friend, and Ruby was just a friend, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

"Daddy daddy daddy daddy come look I found a door inna backyard with a forest in it! Daddy come look!"

Jeff looked up from his unpacking to find Holly running in to find him. She looked like she'd found buried treasure and she grabbed her father's hand, trying to get him to follow.

"What have you found, Holly? A door to a magic forest? Well, we'd better go take a look, hadn't we?"

"Yes, come on, daddy! I sawed a crying man inna forest, he was very sad, daddy, and then I sawed a really big bird, and then maybe a fairy!" she said excitedly.

Jeff followed Holly out to the backyard. They'd only been here a few days, and Holly had very much enjoyed having a place to play. It was a nice garden with lots of trees and places to hide. Holly led him over to a patch of bushes right at the back and ducked underneath the overhanging branches to get inside. Jeff hesitated, unsure he'd even fit.

"Is this where the door is?" Jeff asked.

"Yes, come on, daddy, it's right here," Holly called.

Carefully, Jeff made his way through the bushes, until he was inside the space made by the branches. Holly was sitting in a space that looked much bigger than Jeff expected. He could also see the large wooden door that had appeared seemingly out of nowhere. He moved over beside her and reached out to touch the door. It felt real enough, and he ran his fingers over the intricate carvings made into the wood.

"That can't be real. Can it? Did you say there was a forest behind it? How did you even get it open? It looks far too heavy for you to open, Holly," Jeff said.

She didn't look concerned. "I maded a wish and it opened."

"Wanna make another wish then?" Jeff said. "Take me to the forest. I want to see it too. Maybe we'll find some fairies in there."

Holly closed her eyes shut tight a moment and made a wish. Just like it had before, the door opened, creaking slowly on its hinges. The dead leaves on the ground were crushed and swept aside as the door moved, and slowly, a dark forest appeared as the door opened. Jeff was amazed. A part of his mind wondered if it wasn't related to the last time he'd been down at the woods in Coventry, looking for Roy, when he'd somehow gone back in time to another world. He wouldn't have told her that though.

Holly got to her feet. "Come on, daddy. We go explore."

Jeff almost said no, but how many dads got to explore actual magical forests with their young daughters anyway? "Yeah, let's go. Just stay close, alright? I don't want you getting lost in there."

Holly took her father's hand tightly as they took a step towards the door. "I will, daddy. I stay with you."

With only a cursory glance behind him, Jeff took a step across the threshold, and watched in awe as a huge expanse of forest surrounded him. It was dark and quiet, and Holly clutched her father's leg as they walked forward a little. The door was still visible behind them, marked on this side with an ornate cast iron lamp post, shining brightly in the darkness. It looked like the only source of light in the whole forest, which seemed to go on forever.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" Jeff called. The forest was eerily quiet, and it made him feel unsettled.

Something rustled over in the distance, but nothing came to light. Jeff decided it might not be a bad idea to go explore a little. There didn't seem to be any immediate threat.

"Is this the forest you saw before, Holly?" Jeff asked, wanting to be sure.

She nodded. "Yes, daddy, but it was not this dark. I don't know if I like this one."

Jeff knelt down beside her. He could see she looked a little uneasy, but she didn't look scared yet. "Do you want to go back, then? I don't want you getting frightened. There might be dangerous things in here."

"No daddy, we go looked for fairies," she said as she nodded her head, determined to face this. She had her father with her. He had always been there to make the world less frightening for her.

"Alright, we'll go explore, but you let me know when you want to go back, and we'll go straight home, alright?" Jeff said.

"Oh, I will, daddy, I promise," Holly said.

Jeff smiled at her, and got to his feet. "Come on, let's go look around."

Taking her hand, they walked forward, and soon found a track crossing in front of them. Jeff looked back, just to make sure the lamp post was still there. He had a moment of panic, and decided to take a ribbon he had in his pocket and tie it around a branch on a nearby tree. If it stayed there, they would know where they needed to leave the track to find the lamp post again.

"Right. Whoever's in charge of this forest, don't let anyone touch this ribbon, yeah? We'll need it to leave here again. And if you're going to nick it, the least you could do is give us a guide back, alright? We're visitors here, and we want to be able to get home again," Jeff announced to the forest, as if it might make a difference between getting back safely and becoming hopelessly lost. He also thought it might at least reassure Holly he knew what he was doing, and that he'd look after her.

A soft breeze blew past them then, encircling and investigating them before passing them by. Jeff assumed that was the forest. He heard a soft song on the wind coming towards them that seemed to confirm they would be taken care of.

"Is it alright, daddy? I think I can see fairies," Holly whispered as she looked around.

"I think so, hon. Where can you see the fairies?" Jeff asked.

Holly pointed off down the track to where small glimmering specks of light seemed to be dancing in the air between the trees.

"Are they fairies, daddy? They look like fairies," Holly whispered.

"They could be fairies, yeah. Do you want to go find out?" Jeff said.

"Yes, I do, come on, daddy, I wanna see the fairies!" Holly said, pulling her father by the hand as they headed off down the track towards the flickering lights.

It took about ten minutes to find the lights. They weren't fairies at all, they discovered, but a man and a small dragon. The man seemed to be casting spells with his hands, and the dragon was breathing little flickering flames from its mouth. They looked like they were playing. Jeff tried to keep Holly back, but the sight of a dragon was too exciting.

"Oh, a dragon! That's even betteror than fairies!" she cried as she moved towards it.

Jeff held her back, not wanting her to get eaten. He picked her up and held her in his arms, ready to run if he needed to. "No, Holly, don't, it might be dangerous. I think they know we're here too."

Indeed, the man and the dragon stopped, and as soon as the man looked straight at Jeff, Jeff suddenly knew exactly who he was. But he hadn't seen him for years, not since-

"Rick? Rick Price? Is that you? What on earth are you doing here with a dragon in the middle of a magic forest?" Jeff said, taking a cautious step forward.

Rick offered a small bow. "My Lord Warwick, are you sure you should be taking a child into a dangerous forest such as this?"

The name was jarring, but the memory from what had happened before made it feel more like his own. It confirmed his suspicions that they had crossed over again, though why it had happened now, he didn't know. "Er, she found the door in, actually. I just followed her."

Rick took a step forward. There was a nervous look in his expression as a screech filled the air, and he glanced off to the side, as if expecting something bad to come. "You should go. Now, my Lord. It isn't safe here for you, or for her. The forest does not appreciate intruders."

"Nah, we'll be - we'll be fine, won't we, Holly?" Jeff said, trying not to worry the child.

"Can I pet your dragon, mister? I like him. He's pretty," Holly asked.

"No, Holly, leave the dragon alone. It's not a pet," Jeff cautioned.

Rick took another step closer, his face etched with worry. "Go, now. He's coming. Please, my Lord, go back now or you will never leave here alive. Go, now, my Lord. Go!"

Jeff was unnerved by Rick's tone of voice, but thought wisely that perhaps it was time to leave. "Alright, alright, we're going. Time to go now, Holly. Time to go back home where it's safe, alright?"

Holly looked disappointed, but she also didn't like Rick's warning tone. "Alright, daddy, we go home now. But we come back one day and look for fairies. I know I saw fairies!"

Jeff brought her close, making sure he had a good hold on her as he turned his back on Rick and the dragon, and headed back onto the track. There was indeed an ominous feel to the forest now, as if something bad was coming for them. Holly didn't like it, either, and she kept whispering to her father to get them back home. The forest was suddenly not a nice place to be.

They walked quickly back along the track they'd followed, and Jeff did his best to comfort her. He kept searching for any hint of the lamp post, hoping it would be like Narnia, where all they needed to do was find the lamp post and they could get home again. After a few wrong turns, and more walking than Jeff had wanted, they finally caught sight of the lamp amongst the trees. It was much more obvious now as it stood there, surrounded by darkness. A low growl rumbled through the forest as Jeff ran towards the door. Holly was hanging on tight, and she screamed as she saw some big yellow eyes amongst the trees. She didn't get a chance to see what they belonged to as Jeff ran straight through the door and back into their backyard. The door slammed shut behind them and then disappeared, as if it had never been there.

Holly was crying against his shoulder. "Daddy, daddy, you made it scary! It wasn't scary when I went in there! You made it scary!"

Jeff hugged her tight. "Oh, I'm sorry, Holly. I didn't know it would do that. It's alright now, Holly. We're home. You're safe now. Nothing will get you now, Holly, it's alright. You're home now, it'll be alright."

She balled a fist and hit his shoulder. "You're not coming again, daddy! You made it scary! You chased alla fairies away!"

He held her, trying to calm her down. "I'm so sorry, honey, I didn't know I was going to do that. I'm so sorry. I'm sure when you go there again, all the fairies will be waiting for you, and there'll be dancing and singing and all kinds of magic, yeah? Daddy won't be there to scare them all away. Maybe fairies only appear to happy little girls, yeah?"

Still frowning, she nodded. "Maybe. You'll chase alla scary things away, now, won't you, daddy? I sawed these big scary eyes, daddy. They're not gonna come eat me, are they?"

"No, honey, they won't eat you. Daddy made all those scary things go away. You'll be alright now, I promise," Jeff said. "Want to go back inside now? I'll get you some chocolate, yeah? That'll cheer my baby girl up."

He smiled at her, and as he tried to tickle her, she smiled a little back, and began squirming in his arms. She soon began laughing, and tried to tickle her father back. Eventually, she chased him from the bushes and out in the yard. Neither noticed it was now night time as she chased her father back to the house.

"Imma get you daddy!" she cried as Jeff did his best to keep just out of her reach.

He let her catch him as they got to the back door, hoping she was distracted enough to forget about the scary magical forest. He didn't even know how to explain it either, and now that he was on his back staring up at the sky while she climbed on him and grabbed his hair, he finally noticed it was dark out. He wondered how long they'd been gone. He hoped it hadn't been too long. Hugh and Ruby would be worried. But then Holly kissed her father on the cheek and then complained about his hairy face, and by then Jeff forgot all about the time passing in strange ways as he brought her close.

* * *

_March 1981_  
Adjusting to a new way of living took some time. It wasn't as bad as if they hadn't been living together previously, but with more room, it meant some adjustments had to be made. Holly had even forgotten about the scary forest she and Jeff had found themselves in soon after they'd first arrived. She had, apparently, found her way back again, but nothing scary had happened again so Jeff assumed everything was fine, and perhaps she was just playing imaginary games the way kids always did at that age. He didn't worry about it, and pushed the memory aside.

Jeff found he missed having Hugh sleeping with him by default, even though the only reason that had happened was because, back at the flat, there had been nowhere else for him to sleep. But now that they were sleeping apart, Jeff was reluctant to start again. Indeed, it took three and a half weeks for Hugh to convince Jeff that sharing a bed might be alright, if they did it carefully. Jeff was still filled with worry about being seen as gay, even though behind closed doors, no one could see who he was sleeping with. He didn't want to alert Holly to what was going on, and Hugh was willing to accommodate his caution. But he missed Hugh being there, and he decided to be brave and see if they could make it work.

That first night, Jeff was nervous. He'd rarely slept with men like this, and it symbolised a shift in how he dealt with his desires. This wasn't just sharing a bed because there was no room. This was sharing a bed because he wanted Hugh there, and wanted to share that kind of intimacy with him, even though it was a daunting prospect. He sat there beside Hugh, trying to resist the urge to leave, even though they were in his room, the master bedroom, and leaving would probably not solve anything anyway. Holly was fast asleep; he'd checked and checked to make sure before even inviting Hugh into his room.

"This is alright, isn't it? They're not going to take her away because of - I've never, y'know, done this before, and I'm scared I'm going to be - "

"Don't, Jeff. It's alright. We can deal with this. You won't lose Holly, I promise. Just trust me, will you?"

Jeff turned to him, seeking his reassurance. Being in a relationship with a man was a frightening new experience, even though it was the only thing he wanted. He had no idea if he could manage that, and keep Holly. In his mind, they were mutually exclusive things. He could have Holly, or he could be gay. He didn't believe he could ever have them both. Slowly, Hugh was beginning to change his mind.

"I just - I don't know what I'm doing. I need this so badly, but I'm scared. If I didn't have Holly, maybe I'd be - "

Hugh silenced him with a kiss. "No, don't you dare think like that. You've got a beautiful daughter, and I'm the last man who'd ever try and jeopardise that. We can just take it slowly, yeah? This isn't wrong. These desires are part of you, and they're nothing to be ashamed of. You don't have to be out and proud, but you need to stop being so afraid. We'll be alright."

Jeff pulled away a little. He didn't understand how Hugh had come to have such a cavalier attitude to his sexuality. He wasn't afraid of being gay. He was only six years younger than him, but it felt like a decade or more. Jeff had too many bad memories in his head. There were too many voices trying to shame and silence him. He still hadn't really convinced himself he wasn't mad, even though the very idea that homosexuality was a mental illness seemed completely irrational. He didn't believe he would ever be treated fairly because of what he was; it was a hard attitude to shift, given his experiences, and he hadn't seen enough to think it would ever change. He didn't want Holly growing up in a world that hated what her father was for no reason at all, but the courage to fight for something better was not something he possessed.

"I wish the world wasn't so hostile. I just feel so trapped. It shouldn't - it shouldn't matter what I am, right? It shouldn't fucking matter. But everywhere I feel they're all judging me. Me own mum can't even accept this is who I am. How can I expect the rest of the world to be any different? People still die. We still get bashed and killed. I worry it's never going to be safe out there for people like us. We'll always have to hide," Jeff murmured.

Hugh rubbed his back gently. "I know. But things are changing, you know. One day, it won't matter. I bet you one day we'll be able to get married, and no one will bat an eyelid. You just wait and see."

Jeff offered a weak smile. Hugh seemed so convinced, but Jeff wasn't as confident as he was. Hugh kissed him again, slow and lingering, and Jeff flinched a little before he relaxed into it. It was nice, being with another man. He did appreciate how good it felt. He knew he should be grateful he could do this at all without the fear of being arrested that he'd grown up with; it seemed like such a small change, but it did bring him some peace. It didn't make things any easier, though.

Jeff broke away from him, searching his eyes for reassurance. "This is alright, isn't it? I know you keep saying it, but I can't get meself to believe it. I just can't see it happening. Besides, I don't know anyone bringing up a child like me. I've never seen it happen. How can I even believe they'll let me do it? I'm always worried I'll have to be single my whole life, or they'll know. And I'm not ready for that."

Hugh touched his cheek. "No, don't you dare think like that. I know it's hard, and maybe not being a father like you, maybe I see things differently, but things are changing. You don't really go out enough to see it, but I know it's happening. It's not so hard anymore. Yeah, I used to get beaten up at school, but I refused to let them win. They were not going to kill me, not for that. Not for anything. Nothing will change if we don't fight for it. You don't want Holly growing up like that, do you? You've got a chance to change things, even if it's only her life. You can change how she thinks about these things. You can show her there's nothing wrong with being gay. You can show her it doesn't matter. Trust me, the way she's so close to you will make that mean more than what some stranger on the street says."

"I suppose I just feel like I'll never be able to relax. I'll always worry about it. They could take it out on her, y'know? Because of what I am. I don't want her getting hurt, not because of me. I don't think I could live with myself if she got hurt because of me."

Hugh shrugged. "You can't protect her forever. She's gonna get hurt one way or another. That's what the world does. It fucks you over. What matters is how you deal with it. All you can do is prepare her for the world outside and make sure she's strong enough to deal with it. What else can you do?"

Jeff nodded. He knew he was making sense, even if the thought of anyone hurting his baby girl terrified him. "It all seemed easier before she came along. But now I've got her to look after. It's different now. And, like, I wouldn't change it fer anything, but I never thought fatherhood would change things this much. I mean, I never thought I'd end up living here with you and Ruby. I thought - I thought I'd be with - when he came back, of course, but I just -"

Jeff stopped, ashamed he was even thinking of that again. Sex with a man was one thing, but loving a man...? Loving a man that wasn't Roy?

Jeff pulled away at that thought. He hated that he still hadn't quite left Roy behind. Making his apologies, he left Hugh in bed and left. He was just so utterly confused.

* * *

He went to find Ruby. She'd proved to be a great friend for Jeff, and her willingness to help him raise Holly was something he would be forever grateful for. He often talked to her when he needed help figuring things out that he didn't want to bother Hugh with. Sometimes it was just easier to talk to her. She was good at helping him sort out the mess in his head.

He found her downstairs reading, and sat down in the chair next to her. "Alright, ay?"

She looked up as she set her book down. "That brain of yours causing you more problems?"

Jeff sighed, defeated. "Yeah, I ... I thought the funeral might help. I thought I'd finally laid him to rest. So why can't I let go? Why is he still here?"

She considered him for a moment. "He was the first, wasn't he? He was the first man you ever loved. Why are you so surprised by this?"

Jeff shrugged. He didn't really know, but the tears he'd hidden from Hugh suddenly found their release. "I never wanted to say goodbye. I - don't want to say goodbye. I can't accept that he's gone, I just can't. What am I meant to do? I - I think I could love Hugh, but Roy keeps getting in the way. I don't want to hang on to him forever. How do I let him go?"

Ruby shifted over beside him on the sofa and gently pulled him into a hug. He held her back, grief-stricken, as she tried to comfort him. For a long time, they kept silent. Jeff had no idea what to say. All he needed was her comfort, at least for a while.

"If there's one thing I know about grief, it's that we all grieve in our own way, in our own time. I know it's especially hard with Roy, because he just up and vanished, and we still don't know where he is. I can't imagine how hard that is to deal with, not knowing what's happened. It might've been easier if he'd died. If they had a body to bury, perhaps it would've felt more final," she said eventually.

"There was hope before, y'know? Before the funeral, I still felt like he might come back. But now he's officially dead. He could still be alive somewhere, but we'd never know unless he came back. I just feel like it was such a betrayal. He disappeared, and I'm left not knowing if he even cared. There are too many things unanswered. I just can't put him to rest," Jeff murmured.

"You can't love a dead man, Jeff. The more you keep obsessing over him, the more you'll feel like you're stuck in a rut. Live for Holly. Find someone who'll make you happy again. It might be Hugh. It might be someone else. But don't let Roy ruin a chance at happiness," Ruby offered, hoping it might get through to him.

Jeff was struck by her words. Rosie had said them to him before she'd left, as well, and the repetition was jarring. Perhaps he hadn't really progressed at all since they'd split. Holly was nearly four. Perhaps it was time to try to let go. Roy needed to be buried and left behind. He couldn't find happiness while Roy still haunted him. He didn't know how to do that, but maybe one day, he'd figure it out.

"Go back to bed, Jeff. You won't get used to it if you keep running away from it. Hugh won't bite, not unless you ask him to," Ruby said.

He tried to smile. He knew it was silly to keep being so afraid of being with Hugh, but he was still terribly afraid someone would find out and he'd lose Holly for good. He didn't feel safe at all. But he did like Hugh. Maybe Hugh wouldn't be the one Rosie wanted him to find, maybe he wasn't Roy, but that didn't mean he had to deny himself pleasure.

"Yeah, thanks, I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

Hugh looked up as Jeff shuffled in. He hadn't been sure he'd see him again that night, but there he was, looking eager and frightened as he came and sat down on the bed beside him. Hugh went over to him and grasped a shoulder firmly. For a moment, he didn't say anything, and he watched as Jeff reached for his hand, needing his reassurance.

"Are you going to keep running away from me? It's fine, you know. I know you're scared and inexperienced, but I know this makes you happy. I can see it in your eyes when you're with me. Sleep beside me tonight. We don't have to fuck or anything. Just be with me the way we used to be before we moved here," Hugh said.

Jeff turned to look at him. Hugh was smiling at him encouragingly. "I'm sorry, I just - I don't know what I'm doing. And I don't like feeling like that."

Hugh took his arm and brought him round to face him. He brushed his hair away from his face. "Let me show you how good it can feel. Intimacy is so much better than sex if you do it right."

That startled Jeff. He hadn't expected Hugh to say that at all. "I - I don't underst-"

Hugh interrupted him with a soft kiss filled with tenderness and love. Jeff couldn't remember the last time he'd ever been kissed like that. He wasn't even sure he'd ever been kissed like that. That no one had ever expressed that kind of affection for him made him sad, but he was shocked and amazed that Hugh was willing to be his first.

Hugh touched his cheek gently as he deepened the kiss. Jeff shivered as his hand began trailing down his neck to rest on his shoulder. He wasn't used to being touched in such an intimate way, especially not by a man. Hugh whispered in his ear as he brought him close, and his voice sent shivers down Jeff's spine.

"We can bash each other around and fuck til dawn, and I love it when that happens, but it never leaves me feeling quite as loved as this does. I want to share that with you. I want to show you just what this kind of relationship can feel like. It's the most incredible feeling in the world, and I want you to feel it. You need it, Jeff. You need to feel love again. You've been grieving too long. You've forgotten how to love. I want to make that heart of yours live again, even if it takes the rest of my life to make it happen. I won't lose you to this grief. I refuse to let you kill yourself with all this pain. Live, dammit, so Holly can see her father happy again. She needs to see you embrace love, so she knows what it's like. Show her what love is, so she'll know the world isn't just a miserable place full of shit and selfish people."

Jeff went to speak, but his words had shocked him. He hadn't even considered that Holly might pick up that from him. He was suddenly filled with panic, worried he'd been a terrible role model for her. But with Hugh there, he was able to set his anxiety aside. Embracing love for his daughter's sake seemed as good a reason as any. He was about to reply at last but Hugh stopped him with another kiss. His hands held his hips loosely, keeping him near. Jeff copied him, trying to get used to touching a man like this. A man who seemed to love him, or who at least cared about him a great deal.

He felt so different to how women felt. He felt strong and solid. Women didn't feel that way. Hugh felt more like a rival, not like someone who might fit neatly into his arms, someone he could protect. Jeff didn't feel nearly as strong. He could feel Hugh running his hands along his arms and down his chest. After another kiss, Jeff decided to follow suit, daring to move his hands up his chest and across his back.

Hugh wasn't sure how well he would take to it, but Jeff did seem to get bolder the more Hugh showed him what to do. Jeff had been with other men before, of course he had, but Hugh had guessed correctly it had never been like this. Hugh was not normally a patient man, but he had seen something in Jeff back when they'd first met that had seemed like a challenge. Hugh was determined to be the one who could bring him out of his shell. Jeff was a sweet man, and a great father. He just wanted to help him overcome his shyness and be who he really wanted to be.

Jeff finally noticed just how properly fit Hugh was as he undid his shirt buttons and let his hands roam a little. He took his time to get used to how different a man felt; his skin was rougher, coarser, and body hair added an extra layer of texture. His musculature was different, too. Harder and bigger, in some places. There were different smells, too. Men smelt different; a not unpleasant combination of cologne and sweat drifted into his awareness, and he was surprised at how much he liked it.

Hugh was making intimacy less frightening than he'd feared. Jeff had always been somewhat reluctant to show off his own body out of a fear it was all just lanky and skinny and out of proportion, but Hugh didn't seem to mind, not from the way he was touching him. He allowed Hugh to remove his shirt, and it didn't feel strange. Jeff didn't feel uncomfortable. He let Hugh see all of him, and they lay there together, just exploring each other's bodies. Hugh was a calming, reassuring presence, and it was what Jeff needed to allow himself to begin to feel comfortable in his own skin.

"This is what it can be like, Jeff. Just two people. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world," Hugh breathed as he moved down to suck on Jeff's collar bone.

Jeff gasped at the sensation. He had deprived himself of this sensation for so long, and it felt incredible to give in to it at last. But the fact he wasn't doing this with Roy caused him a momentary stab of pain, and he pulled away, ashamed. He just could not get rid of Roy, no matter how much he tried to love Hugh.

Hugh looked concerned, and stopped immediately, giving him some space. "Hey, is everything alright?"

"It's just so hard. I always imagined I'd be doing this with Roy, but that's never going to happen now. I want him gone, Hugh. I want him to stop having this hold on me, but I don't know how to let him go," Jeff murmured.

Hugh rubbed his back in sympathy. "It's hard, I know, and I don't know if there's any easy answer for you. But he's gone now. You're not going to make yourself any happier the more you hold on to him. He wouldn't want you to be unhappy, I'm sure. You do want to be happy, don't you?"

Jeff nodded. "I do. I feel like I could love you if I could get rid of him. But it's like Roy's all tangled up in everything and I just can't get rid of him without getting rid of half of me as well. That unrequited love is going to be the death of me, I reckon."

"Nah, you just need time. Besides, what happiness can unrequited love bring? 'Sfar as I can see, all it's doing is making you miserable. Can't see how that's a good thing at all. Maybe we should go visit his grave. I mean, I know he's not really buried there, but you never did see it, did you? Maybe it might help, give you the space to say goodbye on your terms, in your own time. I know you hated that funeral, and I don't think that helped at all. So maybe you should do your own the way you'd have done it," Hugh said.

Jeff sighed. He had thought about that once or twice, but inertia had kept him from going. But perhaps he was right. Maybe he did need to go see it and say goodbye properly. "Maybe tomorrow. I don't know. But maybe that would help. They didn't do it right, not at that funeral. Horrid, it was. It wasn't what I'd have done. I woulda just ... I just want to play for him again. I want to play that song he wrote. Maybe that's what I need to do. Or write him a reply. I don't know. Just - something. What do you think?"

"I think that's a great idea. We'll go when you're ready, yeah? You take some time to think about what you want to do, and let me know. We can look after Holly for you if you wanted to go alone," Hugh said.

"Yeah, I think - that'd be great. I don't really want her seeing it. She wouldn't understand how he can be dead like that. I'd rather save her that discussion til she's older. I mean, she knows who he is, but all I've said is that he's gone away. I wasn't sure how else to explain it, not before the funeral anyway," Jeff said.

"Sounds fair enough to me. Now, are you going to stay in bed this time? Or am I going to be sleeping alone again?" Hugh said, deciding to change the subject.

"Yeah, I'll stay. I still dunno why you put up with me sometimes," Jeff said.

Hugh got into bed and gestured for him to join him. "What can I say? I met a lonely soul who looked like they needed some company. Come on, get in. Gotta take the plunge some time."

Deciding to be brave, Jeff joined him under the covers, settling down beside him. It was a strange feeling, to be lying there with him. They were facing each other, and it took Jeff a moment to reassure himself it was alright.

"I know it sometimes seems like I don't want this, but I really do. I just need a little encouragement and patience, I think."

Hugh leant in and gave him a kiss. "Oh, I know. I've got all the time in the world."

* * *

_Late April 1981_  
A few weeks later, Jeff made the sad pilgrimage to Roy's gravesite after work. He was alone; he didn't want anyone else there. He had his guitar and a bottle of vodka. He was thankful that no one else was there. He felt he might've just gone back home if anyone else had been there. He didn't want to see anyone or let anyone else witness what he wanted to do. He needed his own space to say goodbye in his own time. Hiding in the cool of the night was comforting. He felt he could hide in a way he couldn't during the day.

The graveyard was not well lit, but there was enough light that Jeff could find his way amongst the headstones to Roy's gravesite. There was a small plaque sitting in the grass in between the other graves, but no headstone. There was no actual body buried. Nothing was there to say goodbye to except a box that had been buried with tokens of affection and a few of Roy's belongings. Already a shrine had been made, with letters, candles, flowers, and other offerings and tributes left by the small plaque. Jeff left the vodka with the other offerings. He took out his lighter and lit the candles. He watched the dancing flames, watching them give a little more light to the shrine. Strange shadows flickered around him, but he didn't notice them. They were quickly lost into the encroaching dark of the night.

"Hope you're enjoying yerself, wherever you are," he murmured.

He traced Roy's name on the plaque, trying to make it sink in that he was dead, and that he would never see him again. He needed to accept that or he would never be able to move on. Taking a moment to tune his guitar and settle himself, he sat down in front of the grave and got himself comfortable before he began playing, singing his own goodbye to the song Roy wrote for him eight years ago.

He sung quietly, not wanting to be overheard, even though the words were so vaguely worded that no one would ever have guessed what it was really about. Since he'd started writing songs again, he'd learnt to be very careful about what he said, even though he needed an outlet for the mess in his head. He never sang about another man in case anyone wanted to interpret it as more than it was. It was too risky. He was not brave enough to be out and proud and confident enough to defend himself and express what he really felt in his music. The threat of losing Holly was too great for him to feel safe taking those sort of risks.

"I feel so daft even talking to an empty grave, but I can't keep pretending you're coming back. I gotta leave you here. I don't wanna do it, I don't want you to be dead, but all this uncertainty is killing me. I just - I cared about you so much, but it just hurts now. I need to get you out of my heart and leave you behind."

He took out a letter from his jacket. It had taken all week to write, and he was still worried that if he left it there, someone would find it and know what he really was and he'd be ruined, even though he had made sure to erase any illusions to a romantic love between them, even if it was just from Jeff's perspective. Knowing he needed to leave it all behind, he folded it up as small as he could and buried it as far down as he could in the disturbed earth. He'd have burnt it if he'd had anything to burn it in. Taking the vodka, he unscrewed the lid and took a swig before pouring the rest on top of the buried letter.

"Goodbye, Woody. My life was better for knowing you."

It was all he dared say. After a moment more, he got to his feet and turned his back on the grave. He didn't look back as he left the graveyard, refusing to let Roy back into his heart after finally laying him to rest.

He didn't cry until he got home.


	5. 1981

_September, 1981_  
Jeff had been more nervous than Holly the day she started primary school down the road. It wouldn't require too much rescheduling; she'd already been attending the nursery school for six months now, so there hadn't been much more to do except prepare for full days. Jeff had wrangled the morning off so he could be there for her, just in case she needed him. He wanted to be the one to take her on her first day. He wasn't going to miss out on that moment, not if he could help it.

He hadn't slept well the night before. It seemed like she was growing up so fast, and it was doing his head in. His little baby would be going off to school, and out of the house. Out of his arms, it felt like. He knew she was excited about it, and she hadn't shown much fear at the prospect of being with all kinds of new people, but he still worried. Kids could be cruel. He knew that well enough, and so did Hugh. It didn't stop him worrying she'd get hurt one day. He knew he couldn't protect her forever, but he hoped he'd done enough to make sure she could cope with the world outside.

She came and woke him up before he was ready to be awake, but she seemed so excited he couldn't bring himself to get angry at her for it. Jeff was just thankful he had kicked Hugh out the night before so she didn't find them in bed together. So far, she'd never caught them together since they'd moved to their new house, and Jeff wasn't about to change that. He still thought she was too young to understand, and she didn't want her carrying that secret around now that she'd be going to school full time.

"Daddy, daddy, it's time for school!" she beamed as she climbed up to give him a hug.

Jeff loved seeing her so keen to get out into the world. "Yeah, it is. My little girl's growing up. You'll be going to big school now. You excited?"

"Yes, yes, I want to start now! Can we go now? I already packed my bag, daddy," Holly said excitedly.

Jeff laughed. "No, we can't go yet. You're not dressed, and we haven't had breakfast yet. We can't go until then. Besides, school doesn't start till eight thirty, so there's no point in going there now. No one will be there. You'll just have to be patient."

She frowned. "Want to go now, daddy."

Jeff sighed. He was glad she was looking forward to starting school, but it would still be hard to let her go. He'd grown used to all the time they'd spent together over the past few years. He'd miss that.

"Come on, then. The sooner you get dressed and have breakfast, the sooner we can leave, alright?" Jeff said.

She squealed in delight and clambered off the bed. Without looking back, she took off. Jeff heard her run into her room, and got up to follow her.

She had already got her school uniform out and laid it on the bed. She wasn't quite able to dress herself on her own, and she grabbed her father's arm into the room when she saw him there, eager to get started.

"Hey, settle down, alright? No need to be in such a rush," Jeff said.

"But it's school today! You said so! I wanna go now!" Holly said.

"I know, I know, but you can't go yet. Just calm down a little, will you? Gotta get you dressed first. Then you can go see if Ruby's got breakfast ready."

She squirmed as her father tried to get her dressed properly. She wasn't in the mood to stay still, and it took all Jeff's patience to get her to cooperate. She sat still long enough for him to brush her hair and tie it in a ponytail before she was bored with it. Jeff gave up, knowing it was the best he was probably going to get from her when she was so excited.

"Alright, off you go. Don't touch anything til I get there, alright? I need to pack your bag," Jeff said, though she was already halfway down the hall by the time he finished speaking.

He found her school bag sitting at the foot of her bed. She'd packed it, alright, with all her favourite toys. He smiled as he carefully put them back. He retrieved her school supplies that he'd picked up last week and checked he'd labelled them all one last time. He headed down to the kitchen when he was done, making sure he'd also packed her favourite teddy bear as well, just in case.

Ruby was already awake, as it turned out, and Holly was happily eating her breakfast with her at the table when Jeff arrived. He left her bag by the bench and went to get his own breakfast. He took a seat at the table and hoped everything would be alright.

"Everything alright, then?"

"Yes, daddy! Can we go soon? Please? Look, I'm eating my breakfast properly an' everything," Holly said.

He smiled at her. "We'll go soon, I promise. But we've got to wait a bit. Otherwise we'll be too early and no one will be there. Why don't you do some drawing before we leave? Why don't you draw me a picture of all the things you're going to do today?"

She grinned at that suggestion, and she almost got out of her seat to go and do just that. "Oh, yes, I go draw you a picture, daddy!"

"You finish your breakfast first, missy, then you can go draw, alright?" Jeff said firmly.

He wasn't angry with her, but he did need her to stop for five minutes. He wondered if she'd be like this at school as well. She'd been pretty well behaved at nursery school, but those were only half days. Jeff wondered if they could keep her attention the whole day, or if she'd get bored and want to come home.

Holly did as she was told, though, and she dutifully sat still while she finished her breakfast. "Can I go now, daddy?" she asked once she was done.

"Sure, you go draw me a picture, alright? I'll be right there," Jeff said.

"Yes, daddy, thank you, daddy, I go draw you something magic," she said excitedly. She made sure to give both him and Ruby a hug before she ran off to draw.

Jeff watched her go, and all his nerves returned. He was sure she'd be alright, but it didn't stop him worrying. "I can't believe it's her first day at school. Seems like only yesterday she was just a baby."

"She's a good girl. She'll be fine. Don't worry about her so much. She's fine with the other kids, and everyone likes her. I know it's hard, though. Letting them go. I don't think it gets any easier, though. She'll be off to secondary school soon enough, and maybe she'll end up at university, too. Just wait til she moves out for the first time," Ruby said.

Jeff shook his head. "I ain't ready to think about all that yet. I just hope she still likes me when she's an adult. I'd be happy with that."

Ruby looked over at him. "Oh, I think there's every chance of that happening. You really are a good father, you know. I know you don't always believe it, but it's true. She's lucky to have you. I'd have killed for a dad like you when I was growing up. All I got was a drunk who was too useless to do anything but argue with my mother. And I'm thankful that's all he did."

Jeff couldn't argue with that. It reminded him of Rosie. He never did find out what she was so frightened of. Whatever she'd lived through as a kid, it had to be pretty terrible for her to be so badly affected by it. Jeff had always respected her decision not to talk about it, though. Part of him hadn't really wanted to know, anyway. He'd got her out of that house and its unspoken horrors, and for Jeff, that was enough. He'd done his best to save Holly from that fate. Even though Rosie had all but disappeared, he would still keep his promise to her to bring their child up in a good home. He felt he owed her that much.

"I'm glad at least one of us thinks so. I still worry, but I guess that's normal, right? But she'll be fine. I'm sure she'll be fine. She's got us taking care of her. I mean, what kid has three people taking care of her, right? She's so spoilt. Sometimes I think I should say no more often, but she usually wins in the end," Jeff mused.

"Have you explained to her about what she can talk about with regards to who takes care of her? I know she knows Hugh and I aren't parents, but kids can be cluey as fuck, and I don't know if she'd know not to talk about her father sleeping with another man, that's all," Ruby said.

Jeff sighed. "I thought about it, but I think she's too young to really understand it just yet. I mean, she knows who her daddy is, and she knows you're just friends. I don't think anyone'd think anything weird about that. I just don't want her keeping secrets, because I know what kids are like with secrets at her age. I don't want to risk it just yet if she knows too much. I don't think she understands yet why she'd have to not tell anyone about it. Maybe when she's six or seven, maybe then I'll tell her, but I think she's too young right now. Do you think I should go talk to her anyway?"

Ruby looked uncommitted either way. "Up to you, really. I mean, you're right, she's probably too young to understand these things, but you never know. The school knows about our living arrangements, don't they? Did they have any issue with it?"

"Yeah, I told them about it. I didn't think there was any point in hiding it, just because she might talk about it, and it is unusual. I wanted them to be aware of it in case something happened. I made it clear you're just housemates and friends, that's all, and they seemed fine with that. Doesn't mean I'm not going to worry about it, though, but that's just me, I think," Jeff said.

"Let's just see how she goes for the first few months, and maybe when she's a little older, maybe we'll explain it a little better. How does that sound?" Ruby suggested.

"Yeah, let's just wait and see. I might still go talk to her anyway, just to make sure she understands as much as she's able to. I wouldn't want her inadvertently saying something and getting in trouble for it," Jeff said.

Ruby agreed. Once Jeff had finished his breakfast, he packed some lunch for her, making sure it went in her bag then, so she didn't forget it. Then he went to find Holly. He found her sitting in the front room, focussed on the drawing she was working on. Jeff went up to her, and watched as she hastily covered it up as she saw him approach.

"No, daddy, it's not done yet! You can't see it til it's done!" Holly cried, hiding the drawing away.

"It's alright, Holly, I didn't see anything. Are you still excited to start school then?" Jeff asked.

Holly nodded emphatically. "Oh, yes, daddy. I can't wait. I want to go now. Can we go now? Please?"

"We'll go in a minute. I just wanted to have a bit of a chat before we went. Has anyone at school asked about who you live with yet?" Jeff said.

"I did! We were meant to draw our families, and I drawed a picture of everyone. I drawed you and Hugh and Ruby and the crying man and me inna park," Holly said proudly.

Jeff gave her a confused look. He was familiar with Holly's description of Roy as 'the crying man', though he didn't really know why she called him that. She knew his name well enough; Jeff hadn't planned to tell her about Roy, but she'd been curious when she'd seen a photo of him one time a few days before Roy's funeral, and he'd decided to tell her all about him. "You drew Roy as well? Why did you draw him? He doesn't live here. He disappeared, remember?"

Holly didn't look concerned. "He does live here. I seen you talking to him. He taught me magic once, and he let me play with his hair. Daddy, you need to talk to him. He's sad that you don't talk to him much anymore."

Jeff almost began telling her he was dead, but decided she didn't need to know that just yet. "Honey, Roy doesn't live here. Only me, you, Hugh, and Ruby live here, remember?"

Holly nodded emphatically. "And the crying man. He lives here too. I've seen him, daddy! He sometimes comes to play with me in my room, and I've seen you talking to him too."

Jeff wanted to explain properly that Roy was not there, but from the way she was talking about him, perhaps he was just an imaginary friend for her. She did have a very active imagination. "Alright, Roy lives here too, but I haven't seen him. You'll have to show me when he comes to see you next."

"But he's right over there, daddy. He's been telling me about his first day at school," Holly said.

Jeff looked over in the direction she indicated, but could see nothing there. If he hadn't been reassured this was normal behaviour for a kid her age, he'd have been worried. "Well, you tell him I said hello. Now, we've got to talk about school. Because most kids don't live with a family like this one. You know it's strange to live with your daddy and two of his friends, don't you? Most kids live with a mummy and a daddy, but you just live with daddy and his friends, don't you?"

Holly looked up at him and nodded. "I know, daddy. Daddy has friends and they help take care of me. Because mummy isn't there anymore. Mummy ran away."

Jeff couldn't help a smile. "Yes, mummy did run away. Mummy and daddy aren't married anymore. But Daddy has his two friends now to help take care of you. You understand that, don't you? Hugh and Ruby are just friends."

"I know that, silly! Daddy lives with Hugh and Ruby and I don't have a mummy anymore. I know, alright? Now can we go to school yet? Is it time to go yet?" Holly said.

"You finish your drawing. Daddy needs to get dressed first. Then I'll take you down, alright?" Jeff said.

Holly squealed in delight, and as her father got to his feet, she playfully pushed him towards the door, telling him to hurry up.

* * *

Jeff had done all he could to delay leaving for school. They'd been up so early they had more time to kill than Jeff had wanted, but at a little after eight, they left to walk down to the school. Jeff didn't mind being a little early, in case he needed more time to get her properly settled. He did know his way around the school, but that wasn't the point. She was far too excitable, and he felt she'd to better if she was calmer. He wasn't sure he'd get his wish, though.

By the time they arrived, there were already other students there. There were some kids from nursery that they recognised, and Holly was happy to see her friends again. With two other girls, she chatted away about the holidays and what they'd done over the summer. Jeff watched her, some of his anxiety eased by the fact she wouldn't be all alone.

"So you're Holly's dad. She never stops talking about you, you know," said one of the mothers beside him.

He turned to address her. He did recognise her from nursery, though not as well as he'd like. "Yeah, that's me. It's Susan, isn't it?"

She nodded. "That's right. Susan Knight. Kelly's my third. I never get tired of this, though. Seems like only yesterday I was taking her sisters to school for their first day. I'll be glad when it's all over, though. You just wait til they get to secondary school."

Jeff laughed. "If she's anything like I was, she'll be a terror once she gets that old. Maybe her mother was right to leave when she was a baby. Knew what she was getting herself in for."

"Yes, I'd heard you're divorced. You've brought her up all on your own all these years? No wonder she's so close to you," Susan said.

"Well, I - yeah, mostly. My ex left the country as soon as the divorce was finalised. She didn't want custody, so I got her. Thankfully, Holly was too young to remember any of that. I didn't want her remembering it. It got nasty," Jeff said, revealing as much of the truth as he dared.

"I hear you. You're a braver man than my ex for going it alone. I'm lucky to get child support once a year from that prick," another woman chimed in. "I'm Valerie Collins. Lucy's my girl. With the red hair."

"You mean the one currently wrestling with that boy over there?" Jeff ventured.

Valerie's expression suddenly turned angry as she saw what was going on. Striding forward, she could be heard firmly scolding her daughter for such unladylike behaviour. Jeff decided not to say anything else to her as he watched her telling her off. The boy she'd been fighting with had run off, happy to be away from her.

"Your Holly'd better watch out for her. That Lucy Collins is a dreadful girl. Her sister was just as bad. She got expelled last year and I've heard no school round here wants to take her," Susan commented.

The urge to run and get Holly and take her home where she was safe was suddenly overwhelming, but he managed to push it away. The world was a dangerous place, and she might get hurt, yes, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. At some point, he had to let her go. He just had to hope she was strong enough to cope with it.

He decided not to think about that as Susan offered to show him where their classroom was. Calling Holly over to his side, Kelly close behind her, they made their way to where Holly's class was. Holly was still excited, and she didn't seem bothered that she'd be there all day. After introducing himself to her teacher, and making sure Holly knew he'd be there to get her that afternoon, he decided it was time to go.

"So, you ready, Holly? You've got a big day ahead of you," Jeff said.

"I'll be fine, daddy! I miss you, though. I'll draw you lots of pictures," Holly promised.

Jeff brought her into a hug. "I bet you will. I'll see you this afternoon, alright? You be good."

"I'm always good, daddy," Holly promised.

Jeff wasn't entirely convinced of that, but let it slide. As much as he didn't want to leave her there, he knew she was in good hands. Saying one last goodbye, he left her to get on with things. As he walked home, he prayed she'd be alright, hoping she wouldn't get into any trouble.

* * *

Jeff made sure he was there on time to pick Holly up from school. He hoped she'd been alright, and that she was happy there. As school finished, he saw her run over to him, a big grin on her face. She had a painting she'd done in one hand that was billowing behind her in the wind as she ran to him.

"Daddy, daddy look I made you a picture!" she said excitedly.

He knelt down to see what she'd done. There were five figures standing under a large tree that seemed to have a door in the trunk. "That's very good, Holly. What've you drawn here?"

She proudly showed off what she'd done as she pointed everyone out. "That's me and that's daddy, and then that's Hugh and Ruby and the crying man, and that's the tree with the door innit where I go to see the crying man."

Jeff had almost forgotten about the forest through the magical door that he'd seen when they first moved, and the reminder gave him strange feelings. He wasn't surprised Holly still believed it was real. He'd decided not to argue about Roy's inclusion in their family anymore, not since their discussion that morning in which Jeff had finally figured out that Roy had been Holly's imaginary friend for quite some time. He wasn't sure how he hadn't really noticed that, but then he hadn't really worried about it. He did talk about Roy a lot, and perhaps she'd picked that up from him, and decided to make Roy present, since his absence had been what Jeff mostly talked about.

"That's lovely, Holly. You're very good at this. I bet you'll be a famous artist one day. So did you have a good day, then?"

"Oh, yes, I did. We did lots of things, daddy. I did another drawing, and I read a whole book all by myself, and made an airplane out of paper and I made a boat out of a bottle but it got ruined by a boy and I wasn't allowed to make another one but I learned lots of big words and how to spell numbers, did you know you can write out numbers? I got confused with eight though, it's such a silly word..."

He took her hand as they set off home. She skipped along beside him, recounting everything she had done. Jeff didn't think the walk home was long enough, because she wasn't quite done once they got home, and proceeded to finish the story while he made her a jam sandwich for afternoon tea.

They had the house to themselves, and Jeff found it nice to just spend time with Holly on his own. They retreated to the back room, looking out at the garden. She sat at the table happily, and as Jeff gazed out at the garden, he remembered the magical forest they'd discovered when they'd first moved in. He'd never seen it again, even though Holly had tried to show him the door several times since. Perhaps he'd closed himself off to it, or maybe it had all been imaginary. He didn't know, but she hadn't been frightened by it since, so he'd stopped worrying she was going to get eaten by dragons with terrible yellow eyes.

"Hey, Holly, so where did the crying man come from? Didn't you say he came from the forest once?" Jeff asked.

Holly looked at him seriously. "He lives in the forest, daddy. That's where I always meet him. He shows me fairies and does magic for me and once he even showed me a dragon!"

Jeff was impressed. "A dragon, you say? Is he nice to you then? Keeps you safe?"

She nodded. "He's a wizard, daddy. He knows magic spells. I'm not afraid when he's around. I'm not afraid when you're around too, but daddy, he's a wizard and he knows magic!"

"Why's he the crying man, anyway? Why do you call him that?" Jeff said. Holly never called him anything else, and Jeff wondered why.

"Because he's always crying inna forest, daddy! He misses you, but you can't see him. He said you don't memember him anymore. But he comes here alla time. He can come back here like I can go there. It's like a secret magic door only I know about. No one else at school has a magic door," she said.

"He's been here? He's come through the door into our world?"

"Yes, he does that alla time. I know when he wants to see me because I see him when I sleep and then I go to the forest and I always see him crying, daddy. But he smiles when I'm there, and I bring him back and we play a while. He does magic for me," Holly said. She got up and went to the back door. "Come, daddy, I show you the things he's given me."

Curious, Jeff followed her out into the garden, and over to the bushes where he'd first found the door that led to the scary forest. He followed her inside, and while there was no door that he could see, he did see the wooden box she had buried in a hole nearby. She fetched it and sat down in front of her father, emptying the box's contents in front of them.

Jeff did not really believe Roy was an imaginary friend anymore. There were things there that she could not have acquired any other way than by magic. She picked up a small folded crane and Jeff watched, amazed, as it sat on her palm and flapped its wings. It seemed to be alive, and it looked up at him when Holly gave it to her father. It wasn't very big, and it was made out of pink paper, but as it sat on his palm, Jeff could not deny it was indeed moving about as if it was alive.

"Where did you get this?" Jeff asked.

"The crying man gave it to me. He magicked it so it moved for me. I called it Percy," Holly said proudly. She picked up a smooth round black stone and handed it to him, taking Percy back carefully so she didn't hurt him. "That's a seeing stone. It shows me magic things."

It didn't look very big, and Jeff couldn't see anything in it when he tried to look at it. "What are you meant to see in here, then? I can't see anything but reflections."

"That's because you're holding it wrong! Like this, daddy." Holly took the stone back and showed her father how to hold it so she could see what it wanted to tell her. Curled around it so it was hidden and in the dark, she held it close to her face so she could see into it. "You ask it a question and it shows you things. It's magic!" She looked up at him and offered him the stone. "You try, daddy!"

"Oh, I don't think so. It probably won't work for me. I think you have to be a kid for that magic to work," Jeff said.

Holly frowned, but put the stone away. She liked the thought that there was magic she could do that her father couldn't do. She showed him a small mirror that apparently had a ghost trapped inside it, a small brass key that opened a secret doorway in the forest that led to a small group of dwarves, and finally, a small figure of a green dragon. She was most attached to that, and showed it to her father, holding it in her hands.

"The crying man gave this to me. He told me his name was Pendragon, and that if I prayed to him every night, I wouldn't have bad dreams, and I haven't, daddy, I always have good dreams now. I do what the crying man said, and sometimes I see him too. I see Pendragon and he has a nice face and sometimes I see him and he's with a king! But he keeps alla bad dreams away, daddy, so I like him the best," Holly said.

"Have you been having bad dreams? Is that why Roy gave that to you?" Jeff said, hoping that wasn't the case.

She shook her head. "Oh, no, daddy, but the crying man didn't want me having bad dreams like he did, so he gave me the green dragon and told me it would keep me safe."

Jeff couldn't help smiling at that. Even from ... wherever it was Roy was, he cared enough to keep his kid safe. That brought Jeff some comfort, knowing that even though Roy wasn't with him, he somehow had managed to find his daughter, and they shared a bond now that Jeff wasn't sure he'd ever break. Someone was certainly looking out for her, at any rate, though Jeff had never really discussed religion with her at all. He didn't have enough faith in anything to feel like it was something to pass on to her, but her magical beliefs seemed to bring her peace, so he didn't feel he had any right to destroy them, even if the magic didn't work for him. She'd find her own faith, if it was something she wanted to find.


	6. 1981

_November 1981_  
Much as Jeff didn't want to admit it, going to the grave to say goodbye to Roy did actually help him deal with his grief. He was determined to move on, and he felt, for the first time, that he could let go of Roy without causing himself so much pain he withdrew in fear. He could put him aside at last, and begin to untangle him from his heart to make room for Hugh.

Jeff hid how painful that process was, in spite of how much he wanted to do it. But he'd come to accept that Roy wasn't there anymore, and hoping for any kind of love from him was a pointless exercise, not when Hugh was offering something much more tangible. Loving another man wasn't just something he kept telling himself would happen; it had actually happened. It had helped him leave his grief for Roy in the past. Slowly, he was beginning to untangle Roy from the mess of his heart and make some space for Hugh.

Because Jeff was willing to accept they were definitely a couple at last. He'd felt it in his heart, and knew he'd fallen in love with Hugh. The more time he spent with Hugh, when he felt safe taking him to bed, the more he liked him. Jeff had never spent so much time with any man like that before, and it wasn't quite as scary as it had first seemed. Hugh had been persistent and patient, allowing Jeff to get used to being with him in his own time. Jeff appreciated that more than anything else. He had never had such a relationship with a man before, and even though it was what he wanted, he often felt hesitant and anxious. He didn't like not knowing what to do, though Hugh did his best to reassure him.

It had taken Jeff a long time to realise he was falling for Hugh. It wasn't apparent, not at first, because so much of his life was concerned with just making sure Holly was looked after, and that they didn't lose the house. She'd just started school, and Jeff was so proud of how well she'd adjusted. He loved walking her down to school every morning, and she was always eager to get going. Jeff had been so worried she'd be too clingy and miss him too much, but he'd been worrying for no reason at all. She'd made a couple of new friends, and seemed to be doing quite well. She didn't seem bothered by their separation at all. She knew he'd be there in the afternoon, so she didn't worry about it. School was far too exciting anyway. Jeff still worried about her, but it was getting easier to relax. It gave him more time to focus on his fledgling relationship with Hugh.

Jeff wasn't ready for sex yet, in spite of the progress he'd made. He was too anxious they'd be interrupted, and he didn't particularly feel ready to take that step either. Messing around with Hugh, sleeping beside him in bed, those things were alright, but taking that next step to having penetrative sex was just not one he was ready for. He knew he wanted to do it, and although they had tried a few times, Jeff hadn't been able to go through with it. He just didn't feel ready yet. He appreciated that Hugh respected him for that, and didn't push him about it.

He never expected he'd be creeping around so much, though, when he finally began exploring a relationship with another man. But with Holly to look after, Jeff was always worried she'd find out what was going on, and he didn't want her to know, not until she was old enough to comprehend it. Holly's eagerness to see her father when she woke up meant nothing ever happened in the mornings, and Jeff tried to make sure she didn't catch Hugh in bed with him if it could be avoided. They only had the late night to themselves, which Jeff thought was more than enough, given everything else he had to deal with.

It had taken four months of sexual explorations before Jeff was comfortable telling Hugh he really, really liked it when Hugh took control of him. It had, at first, seemed just like deference to experience as they got used to being a couple and sharing a bed. Jeff had eventually got used to the intimacy that came with sleeping beside him, and it had brought him more joy than he had anticipated.

The sex had not been explicitly kinky when they first started sleeping together. Indeed, most of their sexual intimacy did not involve sex at all. Jeff was still nervous about it, in spite of Hugh's reassurances. Most of his encounters with men over the years had never gone further than hand jobs, and a few blow jobs. He had never allowed himself to go further than that. Hugh was slowly beginning to break down his anxiety about sexual intimacy, but Jeff wasn't quite there yet. It was different when Jeff was being intimate with the same man, night after night, and couldn't just run away back home again. That had been one of the most difficult things for him to deal with.

Hugh had been the one who had brought up kink first as they got to know each other's desires. It had not been something Jeff was comfortable with at first, and he didn't really understand it at all. Hugh did his best to explain, content, for the moment, to allow Jeff to parse it in a theoretical framework first. He decided Jeff needed more time to get used to it before actually trying it out for himself. Hugh was not expecting Jeff to immediately fall in love with it either; he would be content if they just had a normal relationship. He still felt he needed Jeff to at least think about those desires, just so he could rule them out. Hugh wanted to know how far he'd go, so he could work out where he needed to stop. Jeff was too hesitant and inexperienced to know those limits for himself just yet.

As time went on, Jeff noticed he was letting Hugh physically dominate him. He didn't necessarily recognise it as submission at first, because so much of it was just Hugh pinning him down as he got him off, but the more Hugh discussed kink and BDSM with him, the more he understood it for what it was. What surprised Jeff was that he actually liked it. He had no idea how to voice what exactly he liked about it, though, and he worried about actually doing kinky things while Holly was still around.

It took him weeks to find the courage to say something to Hugh about it. He waited until they had an afternoon alone, when Ruby had taken Holly out of the house, so they wouldn't be disturbed. Taking Hugh into his room, he shut the door and drew the curtains, not wanting anyone to overhear them or see what was going on, in case things got, well, intimate.

Hugh sat down beside him on the edge of the bed, wondering what he wanted to talk about. "What's on your mind then?"

Jeff couldn't look at him while he gathered his thoughts. "It's when - y'know - you hold me down, like. It sends shivers down me - but I don't know. I like being in control all the time, but when you do that, I don't - I like it, Hugh, but I don't know why. It's that submission thing you were talking about before, isn't it? Is that really me? I like it, but - I'm afraid of knowing this is something I like. I'm not weird for liking that, am I? Feels like I'm being the girl all the time. Letting you order me around and be the man. But I like it. I like it when you do that."

Hugh turned to look at him. "Yeah, that's submission, Jeff. I'm dominating you, though I honestly hadn't set out to do that. I know it's not something you've experienced before, so I was just trying to push a little to see if you'd respond to it. You kept doing it, and didn't tell me to stop. I suppose it's just part of our dynamic. But it's nothing to be ashamed about. Plenty of gay guys are subs. Is it something you'd like to keep exploring? We could pick up some gear if you were interested in restraints or something like that," Hugh said.

Jeff swallowed. Being restrained by Hugh was a concept that was both liberating and frightening. He hadn't thought about getting bondage gear though. He wasn't sure he was ready to go that far yet. He'd have to buy a locked box for it so Holly didn't accidentally discover it. "I don't know, I'm not sure about that. What kind of restraints were you thinking of?"

Hugh shrugged. "Whatever you like. Handcuffs, spreader bars, shackles, cuffs, chains, collars, there's plenty out there to play with if you wanted to try them all out. I've got a few things left from my last relationship if you're interested in seeing them."

Jeff almost said no, but curiosity got the better of him. "Go on, then. I wanna see them for myself."

Hugh went over to the wardrobe and pulled out a case from the top, laying it down on the bed beside them. He unzipped it and Jeff's eyes widened at what it contained. He had never actually seen bondage gear before, even though he'd been talking with Hugh about it for a while now.

"Er, he was a bit of a masochist, but we don't have to use all of this stuff," Hugh said as he pulled out some whips, chains, shackles, harnesses, restraints, collars, leashes, and corsets. He set everything out on the bed so Jeff could see it all and set the case aside.

Jeff picked up a whip, a leather riding crop, and flexed it. He didn't know what it would feel like to be hit with it, but he imagined it might hurt. He wasn't sure if it was something he wanted. It might be too loud, and he didn't want Holly to hear that. Keeping their sex life quiet was hard enough already without adding kink to the mix. "So he liked pain, did he? Liked being whipped?"

"Yeah, he did. I liked him, but he got too obsessive. Needed it too often, more often than I could provide. But it's alright. I heard he's found a fulltime master now, so I hope he's happy," Hugh said. He looked over his things and picked out a collar. "Here, try that on. See if you like it."

Jeff took it and looked at it. It was just plain black leather, but it felt solid and real. He unbuckled it and put it on. It didn't feel as strange as he'd anticipated. Hugh clipped a leash onto the ring at the front and pulled him close.

"See, I'm able to control you like this. Do you like it?" Hugh said.

Jeff fingered the collar, liking how it sat on his neck. "I think so. I-I liked it when you did that. So, you'd keep me like this? How does it all even work?"

Hugh shrugged. "Depends what you like."

Jeff looked down a little, ashamed. "I like it when you, y'know, physically dominate me. Push me around like that. I like that. I don't know why, but I do. I like you taking control away from me. I need that sometimes, y'know? I spend so much time trying to control everything that I need someone to take that away and let me relax. I didn't know I even needed that till I met you."

Hugh shifted towards him and pushed him back into the bed. "Like this?"

Jeff gazed up at him, leaning back as Hugh leant over him. "Yeah, like that. Hold me down and play with me. Take every decision away from me. Make me brain stop thinking about everything and stop being so self-conscious about it."

Hugh smirked. "You're on, bitch. I'll show you how it all works, don't you worry about that."

Jeff felt a shiver run down his spine as he heard the way Hugh talked to him. There was searing dominance in his voice he'd not heard before, and it turned him on. He lay back, Hugh more than able to pin him down, and waited. He tried to tell his brain to shut up long enough to enjoy this.

Hugh wrapped the leash around his hand as he pulled Jeff close. "Now listen to me. This is how it works, alright? I tell you what to do, and you do it. There's nothing more to it than that. But maybe I'll just press you down like this and grind against you. I wonder how long you could cope with me doing that to you, hmm?"

Jeff swallowed. He could already feel him moving slowly on top of him. They were not so dissimilar in stature, and Hugh was big enough and strong enough to hold him down. He liked the way he was physically dominating him. He liked knowing that was there, that there was this force preventing him from moving.

"Do you like that? Would you let me restrain you?" Hugh asked, stopping for a moment to give Jeff time to digest the sensations.

Jeff swallowed, unsure how Hugh knew that was what he was thinking. "Yes, please. Don't let me move. I don't want to be able to move. I like that feeling."

Hugh sat up. "I don't have as much as I'd like for a proper binding, but I can get you motionless, that's for sure. Are you willing to trust me on this? You know you can back out any time. Just say so, and I'll stop, alright? This is so new to you that I don't want to overwhelm you so much you shy away from something you might actually really enjoy."

Jeff nodded. "I understand. I trust you. Just - go slowly. Just restrain me, for now. Let me see how that feels, yeah?"

Hugh got up off him and brought him to his feet. He stripped him down to nothing and set about restraining him with what he had left. A pair of ankle cuffs kept him from walking, the thin clip between them locking them together. Hugh dressed him in a chest harness and some arm and wrist cuffs, fastening them all together so his arms were held close to his chest.

Hugh stood him up, making sure he was standing comfortably. "What do you think? How do you like it? Is it enough? Or do you feel too naked?"

Jeff could not move his arms or legs; at least, he could not move them very much and without the threat of falling over. It made him feel helpless, and the force of the restraints on his chest and arms felt like a straight jacket. It felt more substantial than what it was, which surprised him. It didn't feel the same as when Hugh was pressing him down, but it wasn't an unpleasant feeling.

"I - maybe one day you could wrap me completely. Maybe? But I like this too. I can't move at all."

Hugh glanced at him. "I'd never have pegged you as a wrapping type, but we'll see how you go, yeah? Baby steps, Jeff. Just take it slowly for now while we build up your experience. Then we'll talk about full body wrapping. That's intense in ways you can't even imagine yet, and I'm not going to do that to you until you're ready."

Jeff tried not to look too disappointed, though he was thankful for Hugh's patience. He didn't think he'd feel safe exploring this with anyone else. "I - yeah, thanks, that'd be - great. One day, maybe, when it's not so scary, yeah? Maybe then."

Hugh came and stood in front of him, making sure there was nothing wrong. Meeting his gaze, he could see some hesitation in Jeff's expression, but there was also desire, too. Jeff would be a totally different submissive than the ones he was used to, but he was determined to see it through, if Jeff was willing. Hugh had a suspicion it would do him a world of good.

"I know you, Jeff. You like control. Submission means giving up everything to me. Obedience is required. It'll be hard for you, I know, but are you willing to give it a go? Is this something you want to explore further, or aren't you ready yet?" Hugh asked.

"Please, Hugh, I - I think I need this. God, I don't even know why, but this - I feel good. I feel powerless, but I trust you. I trust you. I don't understand why I like this, but I'd let you do it again, if you wanted," Jeff said.

Hugh was surprised by his response. Offering a quizzical look, he moved a hand down between them and started rubbing his palm against his groin. His touch was more intense than he'd anticipated, and Jeff had to try hard not to buck against him, even though he really wanted to. Jeff couldn't help a soft moan of desire as Hugh worked him. Being unable to do anything was frustrating, and it also just made him more aroused.

Hugh lent in close to whisper in his ear. "Yeah, you know you want it, don't you? I'm good at this, I'll have you know. My old sub would melt at my touch. He'd come when I asked him to, just like that. Reckon you've got what it takes to do the same? Could you be that controlled? That disciplined?"

Jeff breathed, unsure what he was able to say. His voice got caught in his throat as Hugh squeezed his cock gently, enough to make it feel a little painful, but not so much he was in pain. "Oh, God."

Hugh stifled a laugh. "I had a feeling there was more to you than met the eye. What would you like me to do, hey? Would you like me to tie you up? Lock you in a cage? Command you not to talk? Could you handle sleeping on the floor if you've been bad? There's so much here that you haven't experienced yet. I wonder if you'd like being whipped. Some subs find it cathartic, but I'm not sure about you. I can't tell what kind of pain threshold you have."

"You'd whip me?"

Jeff could only get those three words out. Hugh was pressing so close to him, his arms keeping him steady as he stroked his cock, moving in such an infuriating manner, that Jeff wasn't sure how much longer he could hang on. There were amazing fantasies drowning his mind, and just as Hugh whispered to him what it would be like to feel a whip against his skin, he came hard, his body fighting against the restraints binding him close.

"See? You've got the staying power of a gerbil. I'll need to train you a lot better if you're going to be my sub. I expect obedience, Jeff. Obedience. Can you do that? Can you offer me everything?" Hugh murmured, a hand still stroking his softening cock.

Jeff nodded. He knew it, deep within his heart, that this was what he wanted. He didn't understand why, but standing there, bound and restrained, with Hugh's strong arms around him, he felt safe and secure in a way he hadn't felt for a very long time. Hugh was safe. Hugh would make things alright.

"Come on, I'll get you out of that and make sure you haven't strained a muscle," Hugh said, sitting him down on the bed.

Jeff breathed, exhausted. He had no words left to say. He said nothing as Hugh released him, and there was a moment where he suddenly missed the protective restraint of the cuffs, but it didn't last. Hugh checked him over completely to make sure there wasn't any lasting damage before letting him rest. He lay there, eyes closed, while Hugh packed all their gear away, putting it back into the suitcase and returning it to the top of the wardrobe.

"I thought you'd be more into it. Last a bit longer. Have I worn you out already?" Hugh said.

"Nah, 'm just. I got no words in me 'ead right now. Nothing at all. Bliss," Jeff said, a wide grin on his lips.

"Man, if I'd know this was all I needed to do to get you to fucking relax, I'd have done it months ago. Fuck, man, you're wound up so tight, you don't know how to let go, do you? You can't switch off. There's always something going on up there, and until you learn to make it stop, you'll never be any good as a sub. I just hope I'm good enough to train you. I hope so. Cos you need someone to give you permission to relax, and I'm giving you that permission now. Relax, Jeff, for God's sake. Don't do anything. Don't think up silly little songs. Don't think about all the work you have to do. Just lie there and think of nothing. It'll do you a world of good, I promise," Hugh said.

Jeff didn't reply. He lay there, his body limp and keen, as he drifted off. He hadn't felt this good for a long time, and he was sure it was because of Holly. He'd spent so long living such a stressful life he'd forgotten how to relax. He hadn't found time anyway. That might mean she'd get herself into trouble, and he was too worried about her to let her out of his sight for too long. Even since he'd begun living with Hugh and Ruby, who had helped take some of the responsibility of taking care of her from him, he still felt unable to relax, constantly worried that it would never last, and someone, somewhere, would figure out he was sleeping with Hugh anyway, and he'd lose Holly for good.

Even though the divorce was settled quietly and relatively amicably years ago, that didn't mean it hadn't taken its toll. He hadn't really stopped to grieve about that either, now that he thought about it. He hadn't thought he needed to, but then, as he thought of her, he began to cry. Here he was, in a new house with new lovers and his baby, and he had no idea what to do. He was living a new life, and his ex had disappeared, from the last he'd heard of her. He still wasn't sure he knew how to cope with that.

Hugh curled up beside him and brought him into his arms. He stroked his hair gently as he tried to comfort him. "Hey, hey, is everything alright? What's wrong?"

Jeff tried to calm down as he tried to find the right words. "She's gone. My wife. She's gone. I never even- I just didn't have the time. She's gone, and all I have left is her baby. I lived with her for seven years, Hugh. Seven years, and now it's all gone. Roy's gone. Everyone's bloody gone. I haven't ever had time to just ... realise that. What am I supposed to do now?"

Jeff sat up and Hugh watched him sob as the grief overtook him, and he wondered if he'd ever be alright. He sat down beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Jeff reached for him, and Hugh brought him close, making sure he felt safe in his arms again, like he had before. His new sub needed the comforting embrace of his Dom.

"Hey, hey, it'll be alright. You just cry for them now, alright? Ruby and I'll take care of the rest. You just take the time to cry. You've been through a lot, it seems, and if you need space, let me know. I can go back to my room for a while. This isn't that important," Hugh said.

Jeff turned to gaze out the window, tears falling down his cheeks. "I've lost so much, Hugh. But I never- she never said goodbye, not really. She's gone. Disappeared somewhere. Bloody Paris or something. All I have is her baby, and she's not even mine, she's not, but I'm all she has now. My baby girl needs me, and I just- Everyone's gone."

Hugh rubbed his back gently. "I'm assuming things still aren't great with your mother, either, yeah?"

Jeff curled into himself, his body wracked with his sobbing. He had not needed the reminder. "I told her, Hugh. I told her. I didn't even plan it, but she was asking about where I was going to find another mother for Holly, and I just - I couldn't do it anymore. So I told her I was gay. She won't answer the phone anymore. She won't talk to me. Dad said she's still upset. I met him down the pub last week and asked him what was going on. But he didn't want to be seen with me either. I've lost them, Hugh. I've lost her. My mum doesn't love me anymore."

Hugh brought him into his arms and pressed a kiss to his head. "Oh, Jeff. I'm so sorry. That's awful."

Jeff clung to him, seeking his comfort. He was beyond caring if his mother approved, at least that's what he'd thought. "I don't have a family anymore. I'm such a failure. What have I done to deserve this? Why has everything gone so wrong? Will it ever get better?"

"Don't you dare blame yourself, Jeff. Don't you fill your heart up with hatred and guilt. As your new Dom, I forbid it. It's hard to let go, I know, and I've seen this happen so many times now, it's depressing me. But take the time to grieve. About this, about Roy, about your ex, everything. Just cry until it doesn't hurt anymore. There's nothing you can do now but live. Holly's always been your first priority, yeah? Remember her. Live for her. Please. Don't deprive her of her father too," Hugh said, trying to comfort him.

That seemed to cheer him up a little. He pulled away and dried his eyes on his sleeve. "She's the best thing that ever happened to me, y'know. It's been so hard, and it's worn me out, but she needs me. She's why I keep going. But I wish I hadn't had to have lost everything just to get her though."

"I know, man, I know. Life sucks. And I know you're miserable with the job you're doing too. Why don't you play music again? Why can't we get a band together? Stop making yourself miserable and do something you love," Hugh said.

"Me? Be in another band? Nah, I can't do that. It's been too long. I can't do it," Jeff said, dismissively.

"Ruby'll take care of Holly. She can do that now, remember? You're not stuck doing this on your own anymore. Look, I know you want to play. I keep seeing you look at that guitar case and I can tell you want to pick it up, but you never do. What's stopping you? Is it Roy? Are you seriously going to make yourself miserable and give up music because of him? Why would he want you to do that?" Hugh said.

"Y'don't understand. We had a band together. We'd planned it for so long, and then we finally did it, but it just didn't work. We kept fighting. And then he disappeared and I couldn't bring myself to keep going. It wasn't really my band. It was Roy's. It was his idea. How was I supposed to keep going when he wasn't there to see how it was going? What am I supposed to do?" Jeff said.

"We don't have to do that old band, just a new one. I just think it'd be a real shame if you stopped playing music for good. You never know, it might be therapeutic," Hugh said.

Jeff brushed him off, but the more he talked about it, the more he was almost convinced to agree with him. While he had been playing and writing songs on and off when he had the time, he'd never done so with much seriousness. But the more he thought about Hugh's words, he knew did want to play in a band again, and now that Ruby could be there to look after Holly, what, really, was stopping him? Surely he should be happy and not deny himself the pleasure of music again.

"Alright, but no promises," Jeff said.

Hugh smiled. "Sure, no promises. We can just jam for a while and see if you get into the mood to write again."

Jeff liked that idea. He kissed Hugh then, and thanked him for just being there. He'd needed it, and he'd needed to cry, and Hugh had given him permission to let go. To grieve. He began to feel like a huge weight was slowly being lifted from his shoulders. Maybe things would be alright after all.


	7. 1983

_September, 1983_  
"Hey Jeff, have you heard? Roy's back. He's alive, and he's back. I just heard from Charlie," Hugh said as he arrived back from a gig one evening. For reasons even Hugh couldn't understand, he'd earnt a place in a small chamber orchestra, and he'd found himself enjoying it more than he'd thought he would. It also brought in more money than he'd expected, which allowed him to buy a new cello. He'd kept the old one, ostensibly for Holly in case she grew up and wanted to play it.

Jeff glanced up at him, but he didn't believe him. They were the last words he expected Hugh to say as he got home that night. "No way. He can't be. It's just pub talk. It's been eleven years, Hugh. He's not coming back after so long."

Hugh went up to him and grasped his shoulders. "I'm not lying. I was at the pub after the show tonight, and I heard it from Carl Wayne, who said he'd been up there. Ace found him coming out of that bloody forest at his manor in Coventry. I swear to you, I'm not lying. Charlie wouldn't lie to me, not about this. Charlie said he asked after you particularly, you know. Said he wanted to see you. You won't disappoint him this time, will you? Not after so long."

Jeff pulled away from him and went to stand by the window. "No, you don't get it. I've spent a decade getting over that man, and now he comes prancing back in here like nothing happened? No. I won't. I can't go through all that grief again. I just can't. Tell him I'm not interested. It'll just hurt too much to see him again."

Hugh came up behind him. "You know this probably won't help you heal, right? You'll still be carrying that grief around when you're sixty, I reckon."

Jeff was quite sure that was not going to happen. Remaining resolute, he finished his tea and went to bed, determined not to remember Roy or all the pain that was threatening to break free. As much as he thought he'd put his grief over Roy to bed, it was clear he hadn't done that at all. Roy was still tangled up in his heart, a wound that refused to heal.

* * *

Life had not been particularly taxing, when Jeff thought about it. He had made quite a lot of progress in the time since he'd said goodbye to Roy on his own terms. He was able to say confidently that he was in love with Hugh, though he was planning to wait a while longer before he explained it all to Holly. Still, she was doing well at school, and Jeff loved listening to her telling him everything about her day when he got home.

The crying man was still a big part of Holly's life, but Jeff had come to accept that. He loved hearing her stories about what she'd done with him when he'd crossed through the door to see her. Even though he wasn't as convinced as she was that he was real, he still let her believe what she wanted, since Roy's presence seemed to make her happy. He'd spent the last two years watching her grow up, and he was so glad of that. He worked hard to make sure she had everything she wanted, and spent as much time with her as he could. Just because he had Hugh and Ruby didn't mean he could neglect his responsibilities.

Sometimes, he felt like he was torn between Hugh and Holly. They required different things from him, and it had been too long since he'd had a relationship he felt he was quite unpractised at attempting to balance the two. Holly was getting older now, and Jeff was much more anxious about not having her discover what was happening between him and Hugh. She had mostly stopped barging into his room unannounced, but she was still quite attached to him, and Jeff didn't want to get so involved with Hugh he forgot about her.

He was still pleased at how far he'd come with Hugh, though. They had begun sleeping together almost every night, particularly since Holly had finally stopped coming in to greet him in the morning. He did miss it, but she had become quite fond of Ruby, and the two of them had become good friends. Ruby didn't mind managing breakfast if it meant Jeff and Hugh could spend the night together properly. Ruby also proved better at getting Holly dressed and doing her hair than Jeff, and he was happy to hand over those responsibilities to her. He was glad he had Ruby there, though, because he knew that as she got older, there would be things she'd ask him that he wasn't sure he'd feel comfortable talking about. But with Ruby there, he could at least count on her to handle those things.

But all that had been unsettled at the news that Roy had come back. Jeff had never expected it, and he still didn't believe it was real. But there was still a part of him that hoped it was true, because having Roy back meant the world to him. The one man he had loved more than anyone else had returned, and even though the chances of them being together were next to nothing, Jeff couldn't help the hope swelling in his heart, even though there was just as much angst and grief to make him feel utterly miserable and conflicted.

Lying on his bed, head buried in his pillow, it took him a long time to notice Holly waiting by the door. She carefully climbed onto the bed and wriggled in beside him, just like she used to do when she was little. She was six and a half years old now, and Jeff sometimes couldn't believe how much she'd grown. He drew her close and she carefully wiped his tears away, looking concerned.

"What's wrong, daddy? Why are you crying?"

Jeff smiled amidst his tears. She always had a way of diffusing his sadness. "Daddy was just reminded of someone he used to know that he cared a lot about."

"Why's he making you cry then?"

Jeff hesitated. He wasn't sure he had the necessary vocabulary to explain such a complicated relationship to her.

"Are you crying about the man who disappeared again? I always hear you crying about him. You must've cared about him a lot if he makes you cry so much," Holly said.

That she knew about it broke Jeff's heart all over again. He didn't want her to know about that. "I cared about him a lot, yeah."

"More than Hugh? I know you like him a lot. I've seen you sleeping together. I know you don't want me to know about that, but I don't mind. You smile when he's with you. I like it when you smile, daddy," Holly said.

Her words took Jeff by surprise, and he didn't immediately know how to answer. He'd tried so hard to keep that from her, but she'd noticed anyway. "Uh, yeah, I like Hugh a lot. We've grown to be close friends. I liked this other man just as much too, but he disappeared, and I miss him a lot."

Holly's face lit up with recognition. "Oh, are you sad about the crying man again? What's happened? Why are you crying about him?"

Jeff almost told her the truth, but he wasn't sure she'd really understand it. "It's just been a long day, and I was reminded about how long he'd been gone, that's all. I still miss him."

"But you shouldn't be sad. He's still here. He keeps teaching me magic," Holly said. "Mummy disappeared too, didn't she? Is she coming back one day? I haven't seen her like I've seen the crying man, though."

"I don't think so, honey. Mummy left when you were very little, and I haven't heard from her since. I miss her too, but I don't think she's ever coming back," Jeff said, opting for the only truth that made sense to her.

Holly cuddled up to him. She didn't really remember her mother at all, except from a photo her father had shown her once. But everyone at school had a mummy and she didn't, and she sometimes wondered why. She'd only had her father for as long as she could remember. "Tell me about the crying man again, daddy. Please?"

Jeff smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Alright, alright. I'll tell you all about him. His name was Roy, and I knew him long before you were born. Roy played music like I used to. That was how we became friends. I really liked him, and for a while, we played together in a band. But the band wasn't that important. He was a good friend of mine, and we were very close. But then Roy just disappeared one day. He went into the woods and didn't come back. We looked for him for months, but we never found him. I've been sad about that for a long time. I loved him, and I miss him very much."

"Is that why you cry about him so much? I don't like it when you're sad," Holly decided.

He couldn't help smiling. "Yes, that's why. I lost a good friend, and I'm sad about that. But I'll try to be happy for you. It doesn't hurt so much now. These things tend to hurt less as the years go by, but you probably won't understand that till you're older. Now, I think it's time you went back to bed, love. It's very late."

She sweetly kissed his cheek. "Alright, but only if you promise not to cry anymore."

"I thought I already did? Go on, off with you," Jeff said, playfully shooing her off the bed.

She smiled and grabbed his arm, pulling him along with him until he got to his feet and scooped her into his arms. He'd have to put her to bed all over again, but it never felt like an extra burden. The matter of seeing Roy again was forgotten. He didn't need that pain anymore.

* * *

The hesitant knock on the door a week later broke Jeff from his concentration as he was halfway through finishing a song. He had no idea who might be coming to see him. He had made it clear he didn't want to see Roy, and hoped he'd stay away. He thought it'd be enough to keep him from fucking up everything. Knowing Roy was back had shaken him badly. Just knowing was enough to bring back all his grief and insecurities, and Hugh didn't know what to say to make things better.

Another knock brought Jeff out of his thoughts, and he set his guitar down to go answer the door, but before he could get there, Holly happily skipped over and opened the door. She did like having people come around.

Holly looked shocked as she saw who was standing there. She squealed. "Daddy! Daddy, come quick! It's the crying man! He's really here!"

Jeff didn't understand what she meant until he got to the door. Seeing Roy standing there left Jeff feeling utterly conflicted. Roy looked up at him, and Jeff almost wanted to slam the door in his face, but Holly made him stop. Holly was good at tempering his frustration. He noticed she'd reached out a hand to touch Roy, just to make sure he was real.

"You can see him, can't you, daddy? He's really here! The man you always cry about is here!" Holly said as she saw her father approach.

"Yeah, yeah, I can see him. Roy. God. What are you even-" Words failed him, and he looked at him helplessly.

"I'm the man you always cry about?" Roy asked, intrigued by Holly's description of him.

"Er, well, Holly didn't mean it like that, she's-"

Holly interrupted him. "But it is him! It is the man you cry about. I've heard you, daddy! You keep waking me up!"

Jeff looked embarrassed, and didn't know how to explain it away. He idly scratched the back of his head, hoping the ground might open up and swallow him whole. Anything to avoid talking to him.

"Don't mind her, she's just- Holly, why don't you go play? We've got grown-up things to talk about," Jeff said, hoping to have a few precious moments alone with Roy.

"Alright, daddy. But I hope he doesn't break your heart again," Holly said nonchalantly as she skipped off back to her room.

Jeff watched her go, knowing there was nothing standing in the way of him and Roy anymore. "Sorry about that, she's-"

"Don't worry, kids are kids. So are you going to let me in? Only I've heard you've been avoiding me, so I thought I'd come to you," Roy said.

"I buried you. I went to your fucking funeral. I thought you were dead. I accepted that. Don't you dare come here telling me I've been avoiding you," Jeff said, turning his back on him. He didn't close the door, though, and Roy followed him inside. He sighed, pushing away his anger. "What do you want anyway?"

Roy closed the door before he spoke. "I wanted to see you. I've been gone so long, Jeff. I've seen so many strange things. I miss you. I wanted to - I wanted to apologise. I never got to apologise before I disappeared. I didn't want there to be any more bad blood between us."  
His gentle quiet voice was enough to break him. Jeff just couldn't stay angry at him. He'd missed him terribly, and all he'd wanted for so many years was to see Roy walk in through that door again. He wanted to run over and hug him tight, but he didn't think Roy would appreciate that. He might think - he might think things that Jeff didn't want him to think.

Jeff brought him through to the front room and slumped down onto the sofa, trying to delay replying. Roy joined him, keeping a respectable distance away from him as they sat beside each other. There was an uncomfortable silence between them, neither knowing precisely where to start. Eventually, Roy broke the silence.

"So you got a kid now?" Roy ventured, asking the only obvious question he could think of.

Jeff nodded. "She's six and a half now. Her mother left when she was two, though. We got divorced." He shrugged, not particularly wanting to talk about it. "But it's alright. I've managed to bring her up on my own without going mad. I live with a couple of friends now, Hugh and Ruby. They've helped me when I've needed someone to look after Holly because of work. They're her family now too, and Hugh helped me stop grieving for you and fall in love with him. I can't tell you how much that's helped. I don't know if she really remembers her mother, though. I don't think she does. I haven't heard from her since the divorce. I think she's in France now."

"Oh, right. Sorry to hear that. Coulda sworn you'd only just got married, last I'd heard of you. Right before the tour, wasn't it?" Roy said.

"Yeah, that was it. Probably should've known it wouldn't last, but I was too stubborn to see it. And anyway, you disappeared then, and I was just heartbroken. It wrecked everything," Jeff said. "I waited so long for you. All I ever wanted was you, but I never got you. You were taken from me, and now you'll never be mine. I've had to accept that. I had to accept you were never coming back. And now you're here…"

Roy looked over at him, trying to read his expression. "But I-I didn't mean to go. I just -" He sighed. "No, you'd probably think I was mad. I don't know what's happened since I went away. I don't know where I've been. I don't know if it was all real, or if I've been in some mad psychedelic mindfuck for a decade. I haven't even told me mum yet – I just said I couldn't remember, because I don't want her worrying, but I had to tell someone. Strange worlds and dragons, and other madness. I'm still not sure I'm back where I'm meant to be. I was a wizard. I had magical powers. We saved the city. This city. We saved Brum. But I don't know what to think of it all."

It was not what Jeff wanted to hear, and he brushed him off as he got to his feet, walking away from him. "Don't, Roy. Don't do this. Don't protect me from the truth. For years, I believed you'd killed yourself. That I'd made you do it because of what Bev had - he told you I loved you, and I believed that had killed you. I had nothing to tell me otherwise. I thought - I thought this was all my fault. Don't come here spinning me some bullshit lies about magical dragons and mysterious worlds. I won't accept it."

Roy fell quiet. He gazed at his feet, and shifted awkwardly. "I'm not - lying, Jeff. I'm not lying. I know I live in fairyland a lot, but even I'm not good enough to sustain a decade-long hallucination." He glanced over at him. "You really think I'd be telling you this if I was trying to trick you? I can't tell anyone this, or they'll section me. I'm not going to a psych ward like Ace did. I saw what they were like. I won't go there. I'm not mad. I just - I need you to believe me. I don't know why. I don't know why I need you to believe me even if no one else does. Just hear me out, will you?"

Jeff took a moment to think. Perhaps he should let him speak. He did probably owe him that much. Acquiescing, he sat down beside Roy again, unsure what to think. "Alright, go on. I'll listen. Probably the least you deserve from me."

Roy turned a little to face him, unable to read his expression. Jeff turned to face him as well, and there was a moment of silence before Roy began speaking, trying to explain what had happened to him. Jeff didn't half understand it at all. It sounded like some daft science-fiction novel, but Roy was convinced that what he'd experienced had happened. He'd gone into the forest, looking for peace and quiet, but suddenly he'd been taken elsewhere and he'd found himself in a completely different forest in a completely different time period, apparently brought back from the future by a group of magicians to help them in a battle against the King.

"You were there too, Jeff. You and Ace and Bev and Charlie and Rick and everyone else. They were all there. Even people I didn't know were there, people who'd been brought to that world in their dreams. Australians and Americans, and probably others too. I met the King once, and he didn't look like the King I was expecting. He wasn't the right King. And there were trains and dragons and magic and things that shouldn't be there. There was so much that wasn't meant to be there. I still don't know what to make of it all. Have I really been away eleven years? I spent decades in that world before I was sent back. It's hard to think so little time has passed," Roy said.

"Yeah, it's been eleven years. I thought you were dead, that you were never coming back. But I don't know what to believe now. It just seems too incredible. But now that I've heard you talking about it, I think I went there too. I just thought they were daft dreams at first, but I remembered them, as you were talking, and it began to make sense. I only had a couple, but I was an Earl, I did live in Warwick Castle, and I did have Bev as my magician. I don't know how else you might've known that unless everything you talked about actually happened. What else makes sense? But maybe we're both just mad anyway. Maybe that's it. I don't know what else to say," Jeff said.

Roy could hardly believe what he'd heard. Maybe that was why he felt he needed to tell Jeff about what had happened. He shifted closer to him, trying to see if he was lying or not. "So - so you do remember being there? Did - there was a dragon, lots of dragons, and the war. Do you remember the War of Independence?"

"I - I don't... I just dreamt about it. I don't remember leaving like - oh, but there was this one time, when I was- but you'd probably think I was daft. Maybe I just imagined it or something," Jeff said, dismissing the memory.

Roy gave him a look. "I'm sure it can't be as weird as what I've seen. Try me."

Jeff had to concede that point. "I was - this was back in '77. I'd gone down to the woods where I'd last seen you. I did that a lot, just looking for you, just to see if one day you might come out again. And I needed to get out of the flat. Only, there was a storm came, and as I was heading down to the manor, it ... something happened. He - I was addressed as Lord Warwick, and ushered inside as the storm got worse. And I met - It was that Aylesford Lord, the one you worked for. It were him, Carl Wayne was some bloody Earl like I was. Sparring partners, he called us. And we talked a bit, and then he k- then it all disappeared, and Ace was standing there, lookin' at me like I'd broken in to rob him or something. I was too confused to know what was going on. I just thought - maybe I'd been too tired. Holly hadn't been sleeping well back then, and I'd been up too long trying to keep her happy, but maybe - d'you think that happened? Or am I going daft?"

"You know what I'm going to say about that already. I think it really happened. Why? I wouldn't have a clue. Has anything else happened like that? Any more dreams?" Roy said.

Jeff thought a moment. "No, nothing since then. It's like, it happened, and then it stopped. Like someone'd fixed it. But I don't really remember anymore. They're all just like dreams now. It's why I kind of just left them alone. Strange dreams, but that's all they were. I didn't think there was anything else to them than that. It seems like such a long time ago that it happened, but I still remember that one as vividly as if it happened yesterday. You were Holly's imaginary friend too. First happened when we moved here. She found a door in the back yard that led to a forest, and she took me there. I met Rick Price there and a dragon, but it got a little too frightening, and we left before she got too scared. I never saw that forest again, but Holly did. She kept insisting you lived here with us, and that she'd seen you around the house. Every picture of her family included you as well as me, Hugh, and Ruby. You've always been here, as far as she's concerned. She told me once that you'd taught her magic, something to make a flame appear on her hand? I couldn't see anything, of course, but she believed it was there, said she could feel the heat from it. But she was only four, I never thought it was anything other than her just being a kid. And she was happy, y'know? I didn't want to spoil her fun, so I just let her believe what she liked. I just thought it was because of me, that because I kept talking like you weren't here, she imagined that you were. If I'd known it was connected to what I was dreaming about, maybe I'd have taken her more seriously."

"Was it this spell?" Roy swiped his right palm upwards over his left palm and up to his shoulder, speaking the word 'pyrros' as he did so.

Jeff looked shocked. He did recognise it. He honestly didn't know what to say. "Yes, that's the one. That's the one she did. That came from - wherever it is you've been?"

Roy nodded. He tentatively reached for his hand. Jeff loved his touch, but said nothing. Something bigger than he could comprehend seemed to have been messing with them. It had given him strange dreams, and had made Roy disappear for eleven years. It had brought Roy to Holly. He now understood why Roy didn't want to tell anyone about it. He knew he'd be sectioned, and Jeff knew if he tried to back him up, they'd probably section him too. It would become some sort of conspiracy, and Jeff did not want to get involved in anything like that. No, he would keep quiet, because to do anything else would be madness.

"I don't know why this happened to us. Maybe there are others like us in other worlds or other times that dreamed about it too. I still don't know if there is even a thing as 'the real world' anymore, just the one I'm currently living in. I don't know what to do, Jeff. What do we do?" Roy said.

"Just stay here, Roy, just for a while. I just want to be with you again, just for a while. I missed you so much," Jeff murmured, feeling like he could say it and mean it without getting caught up in his nerves.

Roy looked at him a moment before curling up beside him. Jeff wrapped an arm around him, holding him close. He'd never really been this physically close to him before, and he wondered if Roy realised how much he loved him. It just brought all that unrequited love back, and it tangled up in his heart as if it had never left. Jeff had never felt so utterly conflicted in his life.

"Y'know I'm - I never wanted you to know, but maybe you've guessed anyway, because of Hugh. But y'know I'm gay, right? I just - I never had a chance to tell you. I didn't have the courage back then. I'm sorry. I'd understand if you want to go," Jeff said, knowing it was better to get it over with now than keep hiding it away for the rest of his life. He needed to know how he'd react. He didn't want Roy to hate him for that, not when he'd come back.

Roy shrugged against his embrace, but didn't move to get away from him. "I wouldn't have believed it back then anyway. But I do now. It's alright. I can't hate you for that. I had a lot of time to think about what Bev told me, that you loved me. I was scared of it at first, but it doesn't frighten me anymore. I don't know where that leaves us, though. I mean, you've got a kid and you're seeing someone anyway, and I've got nothing so, maybe it means nothing. I have to rebuild my entire life all over again. But I like this. I like being close to you again. I did miss you too, you know, even though I was gone. I missed you so much."

"Just - answer me one thing, Roy. Just tell me now so I can let it go. I've spent eleven years living with this uncertainty, and it's almost killed me. Just - Bev was telling the truth. I do love you. I've loved you for so very long, but I never knew if you ever loved me back. I never dared ask, particularly when we started arguing. And then you disappeared and I thought I'd never know. I just couldn't let you go. They said you were dead, they had a funeral and everything, but it didn't help. But do this one thing for me now. Help me let go, Roy. Tell me you never loved me. Help me move on at last. That's all I want now," Jeff said.

Jeff was expecting an instant denial from Roy, a final word that would draw a line under any potential relationship they might have had. But Roy was silent. The moments crept by painfully. Jeff just wanted him to end it now so he could give up on him. But that's not what Roy said when he finally spoke.

"I didn't think I did, back when I first heard that from Bev. I was frightened by that and I ran away from it. But I loved Lord Aylesford. I loved him fiercely. I didn't think I'd ever experience that kind of love in my whole life, particularly not for another man. But it's still with me, even though he died in the war, and I was left all alone with his widow. I've spent all week thinking about what it meant for me now. I knew I wanted to see you more than anyone else, but I still don't know why. I came back from the forest, and Ace was there to meet me, but all I wanted to do was find you. I only wanted to be with you. I don't know why. I don't know if this is love. I don't really know how I feel about anything. Everything's still so confused. Could I love you? I think I could. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, though," Roy said.

Jeff went though a cavalcade of emotions as he spoke. He felt Roy shifting close to him, reaching for him, holding him close, as if he didn't want to be away from him. Jeff responded instinctively, holding him close in case a dragon came to take him away again. But it didn't help him solve his conflicting emotions. He thought he'd got to the point where Roy had been left far enough in the past that he could love Hugh properly. But that had all been thrown out the window now. He honestly didn't know how to respond.

Roy acted first; Jeff was still not used to it. Roy shifted until their faces were level and pulled him into a gentle kiss. It took Jeff completely by surprise, and it took him a moment to realise it was actually happening. Roy held him close, a hand clutching his shirt, unwilling to let him go. Jeff didn't know what to do except keep kissing him and hope he'd wake up from a dream some time soon. There was an ache in his heart when Roy moved away from him.

They didn't speak. Jeff didn't trust himself to say anything, and Roy just stared at him, as if he was trying to work out what to say. Jeff never thought he'd ever get to kiss Roy, not like this, and his heart was thrilled that it had happened. He could feel it beating hard in his chest. But then the guilt set in, and he felt like he'd just cheated on Hugh. Things were different now, and even though he loved Roy with all his heart, he couldn't stop loving Hugh either. He loved two men, and everything in his experience told him this wasn't allowed. He moved away from Roy and walked to the window, trying to reconcile his feelings.

"What's wrong? Are you alright? I didn't - I just wanted to see what it was like. I didn't mean to upset you," Roy said as he came and stood beside him.

Jeff felt Roy reach for his hand. He didn't pull away. "I love you, and I love Hugh. I love you both, and I don't know what to do now. It feels wrong, to know I love you both completely. I feel like I should let one of you go, but I don't know if I can do that. You're only meant to love one person, right? So Break up with me. Break my heart. I don't want to feel this conflicted."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Jeff, not for this. I don't think your feelings are wrong at all. Lord Aylesford was like you too. He loved me and he loved his wife, and he found no confliction there. Truly I tell you, he loved us both with all his heart. Once he'd died, I grew to love his wife as well. We found peace with each other, even though the man we both loved wasn't with us anymore. Even I didn't know that was possible until it happened. I don't know what I'm going to do now though. I have to rebuild my whole life all over again. All I want to do is stay here with you, but if it's going to cause problems, then I should go," Roy said.

Roy went to move away, but Jeff took his hand, not wanting him to leave.

"Don't go, please. I don't want to lose you again. I don't think my heart could take it," Jeff said.

Roy came to face him, and for a long time, neither spoke. Jeff didn't know what to say. Roy didn't know what he wanted to do. Jeff didn't want him to leave, and Roy didn't really want to, either. But they both understood that it complicated everything.

Roy considered him. "You're always going to be drawn to me, aren't you? Maybe it's better I went away. Maybe - maybe then it'd be easier for both of us. I just - I think ours is a different kind of love. But I can't really explain why I even think that. It's just different. Bigger, perhaps, if that even sounds right. You felt that too, didn't you?"

Jeff had felt that. Something had shifted inside him as they'd kissed, and it felt completely different to how it felt kissing Hugh. It was a sensation he could not identify, and it consumed him completely. He knew it then, that he had been naive to expect Roy would be anything like a lover for him. It seemed to go much further than that. He knew it changed things, but he didn't know how.

"But Hugh, I can't just - I don't know if I can do this. How do I deal with this? I was happy with Hugh, taking care of Holly. But I - what do I do about this? About us? How does this change things?" Jeff said eventually.

Roy moved away, making space between them. He stood beside him, staring at the ground, and didn't speak for a moment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - I - maybe we'd be better off as friends, yeah?"

Roy didn't sound like he meant it, though. Jeff wanted to hold him close and offer everything to him, but he knew they needed more time to sort things out before that happened. "Yeah, yeah, maybe just for now."

Roy looked at him for reassurance, but Jeff didn't have much to offer. He moved away towards the door. "I think I'll give you some space, yeah? I - I'm staying with mum. You know where to find me, yeah?"

Jeff nodded vaguely. He knew that was a good idea, but he didn't think he'd spent anywhere near enough time with him yet to be able to just let him go. But he made no move to stop him, and he watched Roy walk out the front door, away from him and his complicated life. He felt numb, unable to figure out what he was meant to do now. What was he meant to do? His life had become too hideously complicated again. He didn't think he had the strength to sort it out just yet.


	8. 1983

_September, 1983_  
Hugh was surprised to see him sitting in the front room when he got home. He gathered that something was wrong, but he didn't know what. Taking a seat beside him, he turned his attention to him, hoping he might get him to sleep at some point.

"Alright, what is it this time?" Hugh asked.

"Roy came round," was all Jeff said.

"Ah." Hugh understood what he meant, and what he wasn't saying. "Got yourself all torn up inside then? I can't say I didn't see it coming. You were too infatuated with him to just accept him back in like an old friend. So what happened? Did you two make up after all these years?"

Jeff nodded. "I love him, Hugh. I love you too, but-" He paused, trying to find the right words. "I don't know if I can just give him up, or give you up. I think I need you both, but I don't know if you could live with that."

Hugh was not entirely surprised by this. "I had a feeling it might be like that. I think I'd probably be jealous if it was anyone else, but I know you. I mean, I'd fight for you if there was any kind of chance he'd take you from me, but I also let you go if it was what you wanted. I accepted long ago that I'd never be able to have you completely, not if he ever came back. There's always going to be a part of you that wants him. I don't think you've ever loved me any less because of it, and I've never really judged you for it either. He was in your heart long before I was, and I accepted that. I knew what I was getting into when I fell for you. What do you want me to do?"

Jeff shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I ... There's something there now, something that was never there before. Whatever he's been through, it's changed him. There's a chance of love there now that I never expected. I asked him to say no, that he would break up with me to help me move on, but he just went and said he could love me, and now I don't know what to do. Because you know all that stuff with Holly and the crying man? That really happened. That was really Roy coming from some strange world to see her. Roy told me about it, and I wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't said things that I hadn't ever told anyone, but he knew them, and now I don't know what to believe. Something happened. Something's been ... happening. And now everything's a mess and I don't know if I could ever bear to be apart from him ever again. But I can't love you and him. I can't. I know I do, but I shouldn't. It's too complicated."

Hugh sat back, looking as though he suddenly knew all the answers. "I think this is exactly the right place for him to be. Holly's been convinced he's lived here for the past two years. I wouldn't be surprised if she was the one begging you to bring Roy here to live, like he's meant to be. That's been her reality for the past two years. Do you really think she'll react badly if he came to live here? If you've been sharing ... some sort of magical thing anyway, maybe it's best if he's here. It doesn't have to be complicated, it really doesn't. I've always felt like I was in love with you, and that you were in love with both me and him, anyway. I understand this situation. I know why you're like this. Someone else might not be so kind to you. And maybe Roy and I have different relationships with you anyway. I can be your Dom, and he can be ... whatever it is he is to you. Don't pretend you'll just be able to move on from this point. I know you. I know your heart. You'll never be able to forget him now, and I don't think I could stop you two being together anyway. You're still drawn to him after all these years, even if you can't explain why. I'd feel much better if he was here with you, and we all knew where we stood on this. I'd rather know than worry about you always creeping back to see him, and I know you'd be happier if you didn't have to hide that from me. Yes, it'll make things complicated, but hey, how are things not already complicated anyway?"

Jeff hadn't expected him to be quite so astute in his observations. He hadn't even thought about how Holly would react. She'd seen him there at the door. She knew he was real, and that he'd come back. Roy had been her companion for so long that it would be strange if Holly didn't ask to see Roy again, even have him come and live with them. Ever since they'd moved to this house, Holly had insisted that Roy lived with them. Why would she suddenly not expect him to come and live with them now that he'd come back? Even apart from his own feelings, he had to take her relationship with him into account as well. He wasn't the only one who loved him.

"I think we need to think really hard about this before we decide anything. Holly saw him this evening when he came round. She knows he's back now. But I'd rather just leave things a while, just to see what happens. No rash decisions, yeah? We wait and see. I think that's best for everyone," Jeff said, feeling brave for being able to realise that was the best course of action.

Hugh patted his back. "Come on, come to bed. We'll talk about it later, yeah? You look like you need some sleep."

* * *

In spite of their decision to wait, mostly to give Roy some space to get used to being back again, they hadn't stayed away for long. Holly had begged for three days before Jeff agreed to take her round to see him. The crying man had disappeared at last, and Jeff suspected that was because he wasn't there to walk through the magic door anymore. Holly hadn't forgotten him though, and she wanted to see him for real.

Roy did remember a little about crossing over to see her, and that was enough to bond them together. Holly loved that her father could also see the crying man now, and Hugh had been right that Holly would be the one to insist Roy had to come and live with them now, just like he'd done for the past two years. Roy and Jeff hesitated, though. Both had briefly talked it over, but they wanted time to talk to Hugh about it just so they all knew where they stood.

That happened a couple of weeks after they'd first met, when Jeff arranged for some time to themselves. Jeff didn't want Holly complicating things, so he'd asked Ruby to give them a few hours alone to sort out what to do. Jeff had decided he wouldn't talk to Holly about it until the four of them had made a decision.

It was strange having both Hugh and Roy with him, though, especially when they both knew Jeff loved them both, and it wasn't a secret anymore. Jeff honestly didn't know where to start, and all he wanted to do was hold them both tight and never let them go. The past few weeks they'd spent together had felt like the most incredible dream. He hadn't felt this happy in a long time, and his heart didn't ache anymore. He hadn't broached any talk about a possible relationship between all three of them, though. Even though having them both by his side was all he wanted, he didn't want to pressure them to agreeing to what amounted to a bizarre gay threesome unless it was something they both wanted as well. Roy and Hugh didn't really know each other, and Jeff couldn't expect him to fall for Roy like he had. Maybe if they'd already been close friends, it might've been more comfortable, but as they sat together on the sofa, Jeff felt like he'd invited his two partners together and sooner or later, they'd start fighting over him, and he'd end up with no one.

He needn't have worried, though. Hugh seemed to like Roy almost immediately, and he too felt like having Roy there at last made the house feel complete. But it was hard to admit that, because Hugh hadn't shared their magical world like Roy, Jeff, and Holly did, and Jeff felt that complicated things. There were things Hugh didn't understand, and probably never would. Jeff didn't want that to come between them, and he didn't want Hugh to feel excluded because of that.

"I know I've said it before, but I want it out in the open now, where you can both here me say it before we decide what to do. Because I do love you both. I feel it in my heart. I love you both completely, but I can't expect the same from you. I'm afraid this would just get complicated, and I don't know how to handle this at all," Jeff said eventually. He hadn't really known where to start, but he figured that was as good a place as any.

Roy was on one side of him, and he could feel Roy take his hand, needing to be close to him. Hugh was on the other side of him, though he wasn't as close. Jeff wondered if that meant anything, or if he was more secure in their relationship than he felt.

Hugh shrugged, unconcerned. "I told you before that I'd already made room for Roy in our relationship anyway. You never hid your love for him from me, and even though I did my best to help you get over all the grief you had in your heart, I never expected you to just forget him, either. When Charlie told me he'd come back, I knew you'd fall in love with him all over again, and I knew I'd either have to accept it, or move on. I chose to accept it, because I know you need me more than I think you're willing to admit. Maybe you need Roy too, but like I said, it's different. I never felt like he was a rival to me, not like you think I did. Maybe we complement each other. Maybe that's how this all fits together. Besides, I feel like he's always been here anyway, what with Holly always talking about him. I think I just got used to assuming Roy was already around."

"I still don't remember much about the time I spent with Holly, but they are slowly coming back. I remember the first time I met her. though. I hadn't been there very long and was lonely, I remember that. I was in a strange world with dragons and magic, back in the 1790s, and I missed everyone badly. I was shocked and had to get used to living in a totally different world that I didn't understand. Rick was with me, but there was only so much he could do. I was crying in the forest when I first met Holly. There I was, sitting on my own, when this little girl wandered over out of nowhere and asked why I was sad. She seemed to recognise me, though I didn't really know why. I still had enough memories of home to know who she belonged to when she said who her father was. She showed me the door, and I remember wondering if that might get me home. But it didn't work. I could go through, but no one else but Holly could see me. I tried to find the magic to get through, but it didn't work. I think I kept crying because I was so frustrated that I had a way home, but that way was blocked to me. You can't imagine how lonely it was, knowing I could see you, but you couldn't see me. I thought it would be all I would ever get. I never thought I'd get home. But now I am home, and I'm still coming to terms with that. I think that's why I wanted to see you, Jeff, because Holly brought me into your lives, and I wanted to be part of that again. You were the only link to home I had for many, many years. It might've only been two years for Holly, but it was about fifteen for me. I held onto her visits like diamonds. I'd go into the forest and wait to see if she'd come. So many times she didn't come. Months passed until she came back again, but she'd speak as if it had only been yesterday. She didn't really understand the time thing. I'm pretty sure she was the only thing that helped me cope when I was on my own for so long," Roy said.

"Y'know, I honestly thought Holly just had an imaginary friend, that she'd just imagined Roy being around, but I've seen enough to doubt that now. Jeff's told me something of what happened, showed me the things Holly brought back, and it was enough to convince me something happened, though I honestly don't know what. I can't explain any of this, but I don't doubt it happened, not anymore. Maybe I don't have any experience of it, but it makes too much sense for you, Jeff, and Holly to be bloody lying about all of it. It corroborates too well, and I don't think either of you are smart enough to orchestrate something like this for so long. I don't see it. I don't know what happened, but something did, and if you two need to be together because it's like a shared mystery or something and if you need time to sort out what happened, so be it. I don't know if I could stop you anyway, so you might as well do it with my blessing than go behind my back," Hugh said.

Jeff felt both relieved and scared. He was happy Hugh was willing to give them space to sort things out, but he still wanted to make sure Hugh was alright too. He knew he needed him. Their kinky explorations, though slow, had made Jeff realise that having Hugh as his Dom was as precious to him as Roy was, and he needed them both. He wasn't sure he had the courage to voice that to Roy, though. He found it hard enough talking about kinky things with Hugh, let alone with Roy.

"I - are you sure, Hugh? I wouldn't want you to feel like you have to let me go. I still love you too. And you're right, I do need you in ways I don't need Roy. But I know we've all never had any kind of relationship like this before, and I'm half afraid we'll end up messing it all up and I'll be left with nothing," Jeff said.

Roy gave him a reassuring look. "No, don't you worry about that. We'll take it slow if we have to. I'd be the first to back off anyway if I felt you needed Hugh more than me for whatever reason that might be. I don't feel like what we have is more significant or important than that. You love Hugh. I don't want to get in the way of that."

Jeff felt a little embarrassed as he felt Hugh touch his thigh possessively. He didn't have the courage to explain it, not to Roy. Part of him wanted to believe it wouldn't be a problem, but if he was so concerned about making sure there were no secrets between them, he might have to tell him anyway.

"It's alright, Roy. I own him in a different way to you, though I'm sure he'd do anything for you if you asked, though, even if he'd never tell you that," Hugh said.

Jeff squirmed a little as he felt Hugh squeeze his thigh gently. "I- uh, I wouldn't have said it like that, Hugh, I-"

He expected Hugh to assert his authority then, but it was Roy who leant in towards him, as if somehow he understood what Hugh had been trying to say. Roy gave him a curious look. "Oh, is that so? Are you really...?"

"Am I really what?" Jeff said, hesitation clear in his voice.

"Submissive," Roy whispered in his ear.

Jeff swallowed. This was not how he expected this talk to go, and he was feeling intensely uncomfortable as both Hugh and Roy seemed to understand what was going on. He had no idea how Roy could possibly have known about that, but perhaps that had never been something Roy was willing to discuss with anyone, so he'd never known he was like that all those years ago. But now they had a hand on each of his thighs, and if he hadn't been unconsciously bowing to their authority, perhaps he'd have run away.

Roy smiled. "I think we can make this work, after all, don't you, Hugh?"

Hugh returned the smile. "Like I said, it's like you've already been living here anyway. Might as well do it properly, now that you're back. Could you really see yourself doing anything else?"

"Not really. Besides, how can I say no to Holly? It'd be nice to build new memories with her, though I'll miss the magic forest, that's for sure," Roy said.

Jeff inhaled sharply as Roy ran a hand partway down his chest. Roy was still acting first, with more confidence than Jeff was used to. The meek, shy Roy he'd fallen in love with had changed since he'd been away, and he found it strangely alluring. He saw it now. He saw the dominant streak in Roy that Hugh had that he'd failed to recognise until that moment. He wondered idly if that's why he'd always been drawn to him. Perhaps it was the same reason he'd been drawn to Hugh in the first place. Maybe he'd always known he was like this, but hadn't had any vocabulary or experience to articulate it or understand it.

"Don't I get a say in this? Did I say I wanted - two of you?" Jeff asked.

Both Roy and Hugh turned to look at him. Jeff looked at both of them, feeling like he knew the answer to his own question, but needed them to ask him first. The thought that he might have not just two partners, but two Doms filled him with a sense of completeness he had never felt before. He did not want either of them to leave. He needed both of them in his life, or he'd go mad, he was sure of that.

Hugh sat back and considered him. "Well, do you? Want two of us, I mean."

Jeff thought a moment before he spoke. "I told you. I love you both. I want you both in my life. If that means two - two masters, so be it. But I don't want to make things complicated if I do this, because I don't want you to feel like you need to love me as well as each other as well, like I do. But - God, I've never even done this before. How am I meant to make this work? How on earth am I meant to explain this to Holly? Because soon she'll have to know, and I don't know how to explain me and Hugh, let alone me, you, and Hugh. I just-"

"Shut up, Jeff, will you?" Roy said, and silenced him with a kiss.

Their hands were all over him now, seeking and exploring, and Jeff could barely think, let alone speak. He wondered if maybe he was just dreaming this, and he'd wake up to find Hugh and Roy hating each other, and his relationships in tatters. But then Roy slipped a hand down his trousers, and suddenly Jeff wasn't thinking at all.

* * *

Jeff could hardly believe what had happened. He wasn't sure what had even happened, exactly, now that he thought about it. He'd brought them together, expecting they would decide it was best if he and Hugh were together, and Roy was just a friend, but what had actually happened was that Jeff had ended up with two lovers, and two dominant lovers at that. He just remembered lying on the sofa in the front room, half naked, as both Hugh and Roy touched him everywhere.

But that was all over now. They'd spent another hour discussing how they might be able to make it work. Jeff wanted to be sure they all knew what they were getting involved in, and how they were going to manage it. They spent a considerable amount of time talking about how they were going to explain it all to Holly, and eventually decided they'd just keep it simple. Jeff and Hugh were together, like Holly had grown used to, and Roy was just a close friend. They felt that was the easiest way to explain it without opening themselves up to more complications. Jeff just hoped Holly was old enough and mature enough to understand how much of a secret this needed to be.

They busied themselves with preparing dinner as they waited for Ruby and Holly to come back. It gave them a little space to settle themselves down and work out how to act around each other while Holly was around. They'd all agreed, though, that nothing would change until they'd talked to Ruby, just to make sure she was aware of what was going on. Once that was done, and it was all agreed that Roy could move in, then they'd tell Holly. Until then, she didn't have to know.

Holly ran straight for Roy when she saw him in the kitchen that evening. She'd had a great afternoon out anyway, but seeing Roy there made it that much better. Roy picked her up and kept her out of the way while she told them all what she'd been doing. She still enjoyed doing that, and Jeff always liked hearing it.

"Are you going to stay forever, Roy? Oh, please tell me you're going to stay. Daddy said you might, he did, and we could go on adventures together," Holly said.

"We're still deciding that, Hol. I know you'd like me to be here, though, but these things can sometimes take some time to work out. It's a grown-up thing," Roy said.

"Do you like daddy like Hugh likes daddy? I know daddy likes you that way. He said so, he did, that he liked you as much as he liked Hugh. I think daddy would really like you to stay, I know he would. He'd stop crying if you were here with him," Holly said.

"Like I said, kid, it's complicated. But you'll be the first to know if we decide I'm coming to stay, alright?" Roy said.

"Holly, why don't you go get cleaned up for dinner, and help Roy set the table, yeah?" Jeff interjected.

"Oh, yes, daddy, I can do that!" She wriggled free from Roy's arms, and ran off to the bathroom, dragging Roy behind her.

Jeff watched them go, wondering if that would become their normal from now on. He had a feeling Roy moving in would be inevitable, but he didn't want to assume so, not without talking to Ruby. He wasn't sure how easy it would be for Roy, either. Roy kept saying he had nothing, but that wasn't really true. He still had some things left from before he disappeared, and he was still sorting out his legal status as he went around trying to convince banks and registries and Government departments that he was indeed who he said he was, and yes, he was actually alive. He didn't know what he'd do after that, but Jeff was going to let him figure that out on his own.

"So how did things go this afternoon? Did you decide anything yet?" Ruby asked.

Her voice broke Jeff from his thoughts. "In a manner of speaking, yeah. We'll give you all the details once Holly's in bed, but yeah. I think even you thought it was inevitable he'd end up living with us, didn't you? We don't really want to rush it, though. Roy needs time to sort things out and I know there are still friends he hasn't caught up with, yet. It'll probably happen, but not just yet. We'll probably tell Holly about Hugh and me then as well, just so she knows. She's already figured some of it out, but I think she'd appreciate a proper explanation from me, just so she doesn't feel like she's being left out."

"I wouldn't worry about her. She's more resilient than you give her credit for," Ruby said.

Jeff glanced at her. "You reckon? Sometimes I worry about all this, that it's going to-"

"She's fine. Stop worrying, Jeff, or you'll pass on all your anxieties to her," Ruby said with a reassuring smile. She touched his arm, and Jeff did his best to stop worrying.

"Yeah, you're right. She'll - she'll be fine," Jeff managed to say.

"Of course she'll be fine. You're her dad, after all," Hugh chimed in. "Now get out of my way while I finish off."

Jeff obediently left the kitchen with Ruby as Hugh came through with the roast. In spite of his fears, it did feel good to know he had everyone he loved in the house with him at that moment. It did feel weird that Ruby was the only adult he didn't fancy, though, but she had her own partner, so he didn't worry so much about it. Worrying about Holly did tend to take up more of his time than he liked to admit.

Holly and Roy returned then, and Jeff watched with a genuine smile as she helped set the dining table with Roy. He hadn't really noticed just how happy she was now that she had Roy for real. He wasn't just an illusion, an imaginary friend only she could see. No, Roy was real, and she couldn't have been happier.

Even Jeff thought dinner was truly magical that night. With all five of them together, the energy was amazing. Everyone got on famously, and Jeff hadn't felt this happy in a long time. Holly was so pleased to have Roy there, as was Jeff, and the household felt like it was finally complete. This was Jeff's new family, and even if it wasn't the same as everyone else's, it was still his, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
